According to today's Times 2 Loneliness is almost reaching epidemic proportions in this country and is very detrimental to the overall health of the nation. So here are the ways in which I combat it. At ninety and more or less housebound it would be very easy to feel lonely, but I never do. I know my ways are not possible for everyone but they can spark off ideas. e,g, the situation of my bungalow is perfect for anyone who might feel lonely. I probably would have felt lonely if I still lived on the farm, which was more or less in the middle of nowhere. So - here is my list of the ways in which I combat loneliness:
1. I take a daily paper every day - and because I have taken the same paper for years when it pops through the letter box (often before I get up and I am an early riser) it is like an old friend calling. I don't care what their political views are - I can agree or disagree - my views are not going to change the world. Have a bash at the Miind Games (my pens and sharpened pencils sit on the small table next to my chair.) The mind games are the first thing I do after breakfast. Some days I sail through them and get them all right. Other days I struggle, put them down, have a read of the paper then pick them up again and find them more to my liking. I get some wrong - so what - I am not doing them to win a prize, I am doing them to sharpen my wits.
2. Lucky me. I have a large picture window exactly opposite my chair so can see what is going on. Plenty of vehicles early in the day as folk go off to work - I get to recognise them - one has a van with "cleaner windows" on the side, another is a Police car with a dog in the back, another has a rack for ladders on the roof and building equipment in back - a van that one. Over the years I clock up what kind of jobs folk have. And then there are the dogs - all on leads and thank goodness all owners seem to have dog poo bags at the ready. Later, if it is nice weather, I might have a short slow walk with Priscilla and then if I see one of the regulars and I don't know their chosen breed of dog asking them is a good reason to stop. All dog owners I find (especially the men) like to discuss their dogs.
3. When out on my 'amble' I speak to everyone I meet without exception. Amblers will chat about their dogs, their gardens, their grandchildren, anything. Don't hog the conversation - let them do the talking and you will soon have a friend for life!
4. Make friends with regular callers. I am best buddies with our Post lady. She will take my letters to post if it's a wet day. We talk a lot about our shared osteoarthritis, replacement joints and the like. But it is conversation. The Tesco delivery men are fantastically helpful and help me unpack and put the things where I can reach them and put them away. Any frozen food for the freezer today? They know my freezer is in the attached garage and are only too happy to put my bread loaf, my crumpets and my McCains jackets in the freezer for me. One day the Tesco man caught me struggling to get my machine load to the tumble drier (also in the garage and he did the job for me.
5. Use the telephone, text friends.
6. Last but should be first - have a blog and make lots of virtual friends (I have clocked up at least 12 virtuals who I have met either here or abroad and who are now firm friends.) But really I count them all as friends (Gayle, Tom, Cro, John (both Going Gently and Stargoose), Rachel, Heather - the list is endless).
So the time when I could be lonely is very small. I just do not have any spare time. Yes, I have times when I miss my farmer dreadfully (there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a little weep now and again to relieve the feelings) but feeling lonely is soul destroying and reading books, however good they are, is no substitute for combatting that feeling of not being first with anyone (one's children have wives/husbands, children, jobs - you by necessity begin to get lower in their list of who comes firt - that is the way Nature intends to keep the world going round.
S. a blog friend who is over here on holiday from the Isle of Man and who, with her husband, called for a cup of tea last week, has just rung to ask if they can come and see me on Sunday morning before they go back. And as they are going to my favourite Deli before they go she asks if she can do a bit of shopping there for me! Yes please. It is ages since I was able to go in myself so my next job is to make a list of a few things which will definitely brighten up my Sunday tea -pate anyone?
***S if you read this please ring me. I can't find your e mail address and I don't want to miss my goodies when you come on Sunday morning!
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31 comments:
Your personality and attitude to life is very welcoming so you will always attract friends and, I suspect, never be truly alone.
Pat,
You may not know it, or want to hear it, but you are a truly remarkable woman, and an inspiration! X
There is a lot of wisdom in what you wrote,a lot of readers would do well to use your methods for keeping a social life -Mary
I loved your list. It was packed with easily doable tips for staying engaged with people and the world. I have a friend who struggles with loneliness. She never married and is newly retired. Now that she is spending more time alone she feels, as you described, the pain of not being "first with anyone". I wish she was able to put more value in the simple pleasures like; doing the morning crosswords, chatting with people in her building, and feeling blessed by regular coffee and dinner dates with friends.
I was very lonely living in the boat especially when I had to give up driving. Living here, there are always people around. I don't feel the need for a bosom pal, just a few friendly faces to speak to when I see them.
You have a good personality for reaching out to people and showing interest in them.
I count your blog as one of the ways I keep from feeling lonely. I have met many blog friends through you! Thank you, Pat!
You will forever be a teacher weave, your cup is always half full. May it never change. I am a 24/7 caregiver for my bride of 63 years so I do not have time to be lonely, but it makes me very happy to see her smile and know that she would do the same for me. She agreed to gather our young family and leave Yorkshire to make a new home in America to further my career. We are now a family of 14 and we all owe her a debt of gratitude that we can only try to repay.
Have a wonderful day. Terry
I really enjoyed what you wrote. Some great advice. I am fortunate to be able to walk, and I find getting out helps me physically and mentally. A chat with another walker on the way is always a bonus. I belong to two book clubs, and enjoy the discussions, the books, and the friendship. About 18 months ago I joined a seniors centre, and I go to a drop in and paint session once a week. They are a very social group many of them younger than me, and this has expanded into lunches out, and get togethers. I always remember my mother when she was elderly commenting that she knew people who went whole days without having anyone to exchange a friendly word with. As she got older most of her friends had died and when she could no longer get out, it was hard. The telephone and friends who stopped by made a big difference.
Your advise is spot on. You have designed yourself a great life and outlook to the larger world.
We love love love reading your blog. You are an inspiration and such a special person xx
Wendy (Wales)
Another wonderful post, full of wisdom and positivity.
Pat i don't have friends... just a fact of life... my whole life... There have been very few times in my life i can say i have been actually 'lonely'... I'm very comfortable with myself.. just myself.. I enjoy my own company... Once in a while i see the easy comradery amongst a group of ladies and i will feel the sharp ping that i'am missing something. But i have never personally felt that group friendship dynamic.. and single one on one friendships come and go and never last long for me.. I'm quite sure it is me. Perhaps i do not put forth the effort that is needed for a lasting friendship.Its like i don't know the rules and i often misstep.. in one shape form or another.. But lonliness has never been my companion.. I'am enough for me. Hugs! debs
I don't see admitting to sometimes being lonely as any sort of failing. I do lots of things as you know and work at having a life but I still from time to time feel lonely. We are all different and our experiences and circumstances are all very different and do not fit any sort of template.
Such a lovely post,and full of good advice for combating loneliness. I also love to talk to dog owners and ask if I may stroke their dog. Two neighbours who live behind my block of flats pass my windows regularly and often wave. Reading, knitting and other crafts, chats with other flat owners, phone calls from children, not to mention the ever present housework, keep me fully occupied. Little time to feel lonely. I dreaded living on my own but find it actually has benefits.
My Mum, recently widowed after having been with the same man for 60 years, and at almost 79 with several health issues to deal with, says that she may be alone a lot, but never lonely. She reminds me of you, Pat, in her openness towards all sorts of people, and maintaining friendships for life while at the same time still making new friends. She is lucky in that a close friend (a bit younger and equpped with a car) lives downstairs in the same house of 9 units. My sister and I live within 10-15 minutes walking distance. Other friends live dotted around town or in the region. My Mum does not have her own blog, but she participates in an online forum with very active exchange among its members. She reads, talks on the phone, watches TV, takes care of her flat and the flowers on her balcony. She also goes out a lot, now that she is not housebound taking care of my Dad any longer. And she loves clothes - another thing you have in common.
What excellent ideas to combat loneliness and make yourself a wonderful neighbor at the same time. I have noticed that you mentioned kindly rewarding your helpers with a cuppa or a Kit-Kat!
Your blog is always a treat to read. Yes, once a teacher, always a teacher! Ta!
Hugs!
Wonderful as ever Pat. Such grand common sense advice....I love it.x Geraldine
Thanks to you all. Lots of super ideas here to combat loneliness. I do get your point Rachel - I too am happy to spend time alone . Wish I could have cats to keep me company but I live on too busy a road.
Great advice and timely as my blog features loneliness today
Loneliness is like grief
It catches u when you least expect it
And it punches you in the face like a fist
And then you move on
It sounds to me like you are doing very well. I will add you to my role models!
There are many different kinds of people . some need people around them most of the time to not be lonely. I'm a bit of a loner . I'm not sure how lonely I would get.
Huh. The Surgeon General in the US is pushing this "loneliness" thing as well. I suspect it's to get us to minimize and distract us from the ongoing effects of Covid. Maybe there's good reason the loved ones left behind of the 1.1 Million people who have died here are "lonely."
I also chat to people, especially dog owners; some I would usually have kept well clear of, but these days I have no preferences. I wonder what the future will hold for all the young people who shut themselves off from the world with their mobile phones and earphones.
I remember when my daughter, only child, went to live in Germany.
I forced myself to get out socially and make friends, as my husband was busy with his career.
By joining social clubs, I just ended up with a lot of people I didn't have much in common with, and some I sincerely wished I had not begun friendships with, and had to extricate myself from, a problem in itself.
With my daughter and her husband back here now, and a wonderful grandaughter to enjoy and my husband retired, things are entirely different, but I certainly had the punch in the face grief/loneliness John talks of, and wouldn't wish it on anybody. There has to be a way to move lonely people to happier times without mismatched people or situations in the mix. - Pam, Aust.
p.s. I found my niche with the Amnesty International book club, and seniors fitness class - a great bunch. - P.
You always write so beautifully Pat, that sometimes it is hard to reply. My nature is probably anti-social, I do not see being alone as a great problem, sometimes it is good. But here I am in the heart of family life, what would a set of different circumstances do I wonder?
I did notice there has been a campaign against loneliness but surely for the old poverty must also be a problem. We have excellent volunteers all over the country running events for the old, perhaps funding for meals and transport would be one way of addressing the problem. You talked of street parties. Those were days past when everyone and their family lived in the same streets, this is not so today.
You make an interesting point about families Thelma - we move about the country more, families almost all have a vehicle - and usually both partners have to work in order to pay the bills - and often move around in order to get a better job - then the family becomes separated and that closeness disappears. The retirement pension is certainly not enough for even one person to live on and it is often lack of money which makees loneliness a problem in the elderly.
John - do bear in mind that the humour in your posts, your topics, the way you share your animals with us all, are all contributing to cheering up people who may be lonely- you rarely judge and almost always raise my spirits and I am sure that of other readers. That's why you and your blog are so popular. Keep it up.
Alone but not lonely.
Far better than being in company yet still feeling alone.
I do think that it is your interest in all that goes on around you that provides a connection. So many times I see people living incredibly solitary lives who just seem to have lost interest in the events of the world, in the people around them,. in the business in living. You're observant, well read, and always keen to hear what others think.
Good for you!
You are spot on about loneliness and ways to help. I want you to know reading your blog is a help. It is always so interesting and makes one feel a connection ! Thank you.
Linda from Alabama
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