Usually the snippets in the first page of Times 2 tend to really irritate me (but provide good 'blog-fodder'.) But today Deborah Ross has provided me with a lot of food for thought in her designated number of words on 'The Nuclear Family'.
Apparently Danny Kruger MP (at The National Conservatism conference) has said he wants to see 'an end to the narcissism of the me generation'. And he hopes this would engender a return to 'family values'.
This is a topic which I regularly discuss/argue with my son about. It puts up our phone bills but we shall never agree so it really is a waste of money, as are most arguments on the telephone or not. Give me an instance where an argument has ever changed anyone's views. We get our views entrenched - right or wrong - and it takes a rude awakening to change them.
You could write a long list as to why the situation is as it is now. Why do folk chop and change partners - in some cases, it seems to me as an outsider- like they change what is their favourite meal?
I would suggest that the following are some of the reasons:
We have more money (yes, I know many folk have rotten salaries/wages but still more money than the previous generations in real terms.)
Because household bills are high, both parties have to work thus much more opportunity for both sexes to 'view the field' and find greener grass (they think - often mistakenly).
These days the car has become as essential a part of family expenditure as a hot dinner - two people working so often 2 cars. You can spread your wings a lot with petrol in your tank.
And - all the above reasons mean that there is now rarely a situation where Grandma and Grandad, Aunts and Uncles, old Uncle Tom Cobley and all live within a stone's throw of one another so that baby sitting, providing meals, knowing one another's affairs - all that has largely disappeared and a visit to see Grandma and Grandad involves a three hour car journey and of your life they know nothing.
I don't think there is a single issue that has become entrenched in our society today that can go back to a previous way of looking at things. We evolve and that is how it has always been and always will be.
And it is 'oldies' like me who look back and think that the old way of thinking was the best way. I try hard to not think like that because I know it is a pointless exercise. What life is like now is what is and it has to evolve at its own pace - a forward pace.
Watching old Michael Palin reruns on TV - it is not unusual to see some 'remote' tribal chief whip out his mobile phone - things are moving forward for good or ill. Like it or lump it.
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23 comments:
Younger generations haven't been taught the earlier generations way of living. It's been thrown off like an old grey coat on a hot Summer's day. SO sad!
hugs
Donna
The families that I know seem to be mostly as before with modern differences like mums and dads both working. The girls I met when I worked for the Council were horrified at the thought of staying at home with baby and couldn't wait to get back to work.
I think more people these days get together/marry people they don't actually know very well, and living together opens their eyes to behaviours that are not what they expected. In contrast, my parents grew up about a mile apart, which in rural terms was nearly next-door. Two years apart in age, they had attended the same small country school, and both sets of siblings would have known each other welll. In other words, they would have known what they were getting into!
I am with your son on this. Just because families all lived close doesn’t mean that there wasn’t hanky panky going on. Look at all the family secrets being revealed by DNA.
Every family is as unique as its members - some make a better job of being a happy family than others, but no family is always happy, every day. There are illnesses, deaths, accidents, job losses, and for a child, even something seemingly trivial as a less-than-excellent grade at school can mean unhappiness. But families who pull together can master each crisis, sometimes needing to put in more effort and time than others.
And in those instances, it hardly matters how many in the household or nearby are actually blood related or not; people living together by choice can have rewarding relationships just as much as a biological family.
I grew up in the classic nuclear family - Mum, Dad, big sister (by a year) and I. Dad worked full time, Mum started part-time work when us kids were moving from elementary to "big" school. We had one car and that was enough, because we lived in town and could (and did) do almost any errand on foot.
I had a happy childhood and youth, but not necessarily because of growing up in a nuclear family - I see the reason in my parents as persons, and the values they shared and instilled in us, not because they were legally married husband and wife. A same-sex marriage or partnership, or any type of "patchwork" family, can have excellent values just as well.
We just can't stereotype any generation, I think. There are always individuals doing their own thing that may not fit the "norm" but aren't hurting anyone. Families that are in turmoil but hide it well. How can we judge everyone when we may not know the whole story? Every generation has good and bad going on...always.
I'm with you Pat. Although i do think the new generation has a whole new set of problems to worry about than previous generations.. perhaps it was always thus.... but this new set of worries... well lets just say i'm glad they were not on my plate when i was their age... Hugs! deb
I think Ellen D. got it about right.
I see some betterment/change for families in the new work-from-home arrangement for employees. Eliminating the commute to work and greatly reducing the need for office space is cost saving. Worker productivity is as good or better and cost of office space for businesses is or will be greatly reduced when leases expire. The family unit today is quite diverse due to divorce, 2nd and 3rd marriages. For better or worse, children are living with one or both parents on a rotating basis. Some kids seem to do just fine and others not as well. As Covid hit, many families living in Boston, MA (USA) in smaller homes and working and schooling from home sold their city homes for larger homes in suburbs of Boston. Larger homes accommodate the need for 2 office spaces (one for each Mum and Dad) and space for children to school at home. Kids are back in school but families have stayed in the rural communities.
I like Ellen D's comment. To me, though, the saddest thing is to see children being raised in a nursery, or to watch parents texting away at a restaurant. Children require interaction with their adults. Not all parents are like this, however, I see enough of it to know that it is more prevalent than it should be.
The ideal nuclear family rarely exists, now or in the past. Many women were trapped in miserable marriages to abusive, drunk or adulterous husbands because they had no means of support outside of it. They frequently put up and shut up for the sake of appearances and to avoid gossip and shame.
Working women can support themselves and their children more easily and don't have to put up with such things. I know many people who have changed partners more than once and have not done it flippantly or without trying to make things work first.
To be fair, why should anyone stay in a relationship that is not fulfilling regardless of how hard they try? The inference is that people don't try hard enough but I'm not sure that's the case.
As I go through our family tree I see some with several marriages...but no divorces.
What was happening was that one partner died, sometimes more than once...hard working people just wore out, before they had a chance to have had enough of someone!!
Nowadays people are mostly living longer...and with the stresses of living today it is no surprise that some come to the end of their tether and wish for pastures new!
I agree. So many women had a miserable life that these days they don’t have to tolerate.
Debbie
Varied views here - but thanks everyone for joining in. 'The times they are a-changing has never been truer than it is today. One thing though is for sure - we can't go back - the only way is forward - for better or for worse.
I suspect it was ever thus, and that our parents and grandparents had to make their own adjustments to fit in with the changes which occurred in their lives. I only know for certain that my own parents and grandparents would shocked by some areas of our present 'evolution'.
Along with some positives,there were some terrible things that happened in past days -shocking racism, forced adoptions, cruel deportations, the exploitation of animals, tyranny of the church, and as some have mentioned, many trapped in marriages that made their lives miserable. Along with the highs, ancestry programs reveal many sad stories and family who knew things but would not reveal them.
These days, a lot of things are revealed for all and sundry to see, but welfare statistics reveal a lot of pain and dysfunction in families, and animal welfare, still.
Ellen D is right - every generation has good and bad going on, always has. Sanity lies in focusing on the good, but to turn a blind eye to injustice for comfort's sake is not the answer either. - Pam.
There are no "ideal" nuclear families. What looks so beguiling on the outside may be covering up unseen child abuse, misogamy, and more I can't think of. Divorce is the easiest way to escape and untenable marriage and then women can say the heck with it and raise their children, look for new partners, help children through rough childhoods. The new situation becomes "the family", for better or worse, as nuclear as it comes.
I also agree with Ellen D. Jackie
I like your last sentence. we have to look forward but that's hard to do. We also have to keep the past in mind. I think as we age it's harder to look forward.
I was recently watching a documentary about life in the Oman desert. Those people had almost nothing; no water, no trees, no arable agriculture, just a few Goats. Then suddenly a big Japanese 4 by 4 arrived and outstepped a small 8 year old boy. He had driven to the nearest village to fetch food water and petrol.
Thank you everyone for taking time to ponder and then add your comments - all very interesting. It seems to me on reading them that we are all trying hard to look to the future rather than looking back.
Sorry I'm late. I think the moral framework is changing. The reason why almost everyone went to church in the old days (and were reprimanded if they did not) was that - traditionally - the Church (and the local squire) was responsible for the welfare of its parishioners, and would not materially help any who did not go every Sunday. Then we got the welfare state and the Church lost a lot of its authority.
I think that the ‘me’ generation has been going in for longer than we realise. I recall that my stepson, twenty years ago, said to me these words, ‘ You make me sick, look at what you earn.’ He had just left school and wanted everything on a plate, so to speak.
My earnings weren’t really that high but I’d plied my trade and put in a good 25 years at that point! And I think that is much of the problem when one reads about the so called ‘baby boomers’ ( how I hate that term) and how well they have done! The press really don’t help matters by pitting our generation against the young.
Every family situation is different. I’m lucky enough to have my own children and grandchildren living fairly close to me…so lucky! My very good friend has to travel to either the US or New Zealand, to see her children and grandchildren. As I look after my two year old grandson, once a week, I often think of my good friend, who has to rely on zoom calls etc.
I do think, whatever one’s situation, that contentment is key…and sadly, so many people are not contented nowadays. They seem to be unable to capitalise on what is ‘free’ out there in this wonderful world of ours! Rather, they queue for a Macdonalds on a Sunday morning ( you should see the queues near where I live!), considering that to be a ‘treat’!! They search out theme parks and the like rather than take a backpack and have a walk in the countryside. Their choice, yet I think it’s very sad when there is so much for free, at our fingertips, to embrace!
It’s a stressful enough life and I believe that the more you can be at peace and take joy in the simple things, the better you will feel.
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