Chambers - my trusty Dictionary - says a generation is roughly thirty years. This means that I have lived through three generations and am just entering my fourth.
I sat idly this morning contemplating the great issues of the day (like getting up off my bottom and doing something) and asking myself what has been the greatest change throughout my life. Lots of things vie for first place - getting to the moon, the ending of the Second World War, the mixing up of cultures in this country (still ongoing -a black or a Chinese face is indeed a rarity up here still), the invention and the rise of the computer/internet/ Zoom and the like, cheap air travel so that we can all jet off anywhere whereas holidays in my youth were usually spent at Skeggie (Skegness to anyone not a Yellow-belly)it being the nearest seaside place. I could go on as we all have our own ideas.
But living here in the Yorkshire Dales, mostly made up of small villages which - until fairly recently- housed 'locals' (all quite often related in some way I have learned - mainly from my wonderful carer J'.) Northallerton seemed like 'the metropolis' until fairly recently, before the advent of everyone owning a vehicle of some sort, and the village roadsides now 'nose to tail' with cars each evening as none of the old stone cottages have room for a garage having been built before cars were even dreamed of.And of course folk from 'the South' having sold their houses at grossly inflated prices, have moved in along with their 'sophisticated outlook' so that everything has changed and there are now plenty of folk around about whom the 'villagers' know little so that village gossip has been greatly curtailed.
But maybe the greatest change over the last ninety years- up here at any rate- has been the invention of 'the pill'' Frollicking in the hay at hay making time (always a time for stirring up suggestions of sex with a capital S) often meant children who grew up thinking and being told that their grandmother was their mother. Many never found out even though everyone in the village knew. Some found out on applying for a passport to take part in the mass exodus to Bennidorm or somesuch place - a birth certificate was necessary to get a passport, or when they decided to look into their family history on cold, dark, wintry nights when they wanted something to do. (plenty of cold dark nights up here, even if there is now elec tric light. ) Imagine trying to do that by candlelight- illicit sex was a much more tempting idea I'm sure.
But now, when I believe 'living together in an unmarried state' is more common than getting married, even on our estate there are several families when at week ends children swap over to another household for their week end stay with mum or dad -going back home to mum and step dad (or various other combinations) ready for school on Monday morning.
My carer often talks of who belongs to who - and I have lost the threads of it all. But the difference now is that nobody cares, nobody looks at a village girl and points the finger of scorn. The disgrace of an unmarried mother has largely disappeared. This has got to be a good thing but it has -up here at any rate and I suspect everywhere - changed our definition of family life for ever.
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23 comments:
Your observations about change are fascinating, the changes are profound, aren't they?
And alongside this change has been the erosion of what had been the bedrock of society across many centuries - the nuclear family. You allude to this in describing the swaps of children between households at weekends, but part of me wonders whether this is really a change for the better? I can see that children are likely to fare better with two happy household than stuck in a failed relationship that no-one is happy with though.
I came here by way of Newdharmabums. Interesting post. Actually, the concept of nuclear family is quite recent in human history. I am heartened that young single mothers are no longer shamed. They never should have been. Families of all kinds now live out loud and proud, and that's something to be. happy about. Myself, I've been married a few times and my daughter had to endure some step parents along the way. She turned out better that all right.
And, oh yes, the changes the computer age has wrought. Wow. I remember being dragged into by way of my occupation. No more typing on paper and using "white out" to correct mistakes. Or carbon paper for copies. Or paper files. I could go on and on....
Your posts are almost becoming more reflective and personal.
I love that
I think the difference with the flexibility of the family unit is that now people are happy to be honest about it. Complex swapping-about has always gone on but the fact of actually who was the mother/father was hidden. In the Yorkshire Dales village where my parents lived people knew the facts beneath the myths but nothing was ever said. I was quite impressed by how fluid the roles were!
The changes from the old rigid attitudes are for the good, but I regret the decline of good manners, correct grammar and commonsense.
Lack of sanctity of marriage runs top to bottom in our society. Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn have never married.
Not just unmarried mothers, but divorced and remarried - thankfully the shame has gone. As a child I was aware that one of my aunts was deeply unhappy. Her husband was a cruel man, and I found out later that early on she had left him and taken her sons back to her parents. They had sent her back to him, unwilling to put her welfare first. They remained together until his death around 25yrs later.
It is said that change means progress. In many respects this is true. Relationships are always complicated and many fail once or twice. Such is life. I have always felt, it is the children that sometimes suffer when marriages/partnerships fail. Children, thank goodness, are resilient and we can only hope they come through with flying colors.
I see all manner of family situations among my young caregivers, though we're still together after 50 years.
the term generation took you through some different topics on this post. the increase of suitable transport has allowed people more mobility. Then globalization really got things going. My daughter lives in Chicago and has American citizenship. Her job took her to Europe many times.
I found parental attitudes have changed much.
From the earlier,'never darken my door again' punitive attitude of parents of an unmarried mother to be, to the attitude quoted in the Veg Artist's comment above, which I found so sad. Also it was quite common generations ago for parents to put their foot down about their child's level of schooling, their chosen occupation, and adherence to religious dogma, particularly when it came to relationships and marriage.
I have never been able to understand those parental rigid attitudes and interference which stand in the way of another's wellbeing and happiness. Now there is more call for understanding, empathy and support, and more situations are highlighted as discriminatory - Pam.
So many unmarried mothers were forced to have their babies adopted out never knowing what happened to them or where they were I am just at this moment writing a poem inspired by Joni Mitchell who suffered this predicament. I know of two women whose adopted children found them after about thirty years. Yes it was a very cruel time and many many women suffered.
When my youngest changed his primary school for a better one, he became one of just two children who lived with two parents. I was quite shocked. I always thought of a 'generation' as 20 years.
Two of my grand children are " swappers" . 2 days with Dad, ( my son) 2 days with Mum and alternate weekends with Dad or Mum. They seem to cope but I often feel sorry that they spend their little lives carting their favourite things about the whole time.
One of my closest friends belonged to a group called "Single Mothers by Choice." (Many women in the group had used sperm banks to become pregnant.) When I first met my friend, she was a single mother of a delightful toddler and doing very well. The mothers in her group met once a week for talks, coffee and companionship. A few years later she met a man, married him and had two more children. Those were stormy years. He turned out to be a terrible partner. She is now single again, her children have left the nest and she is back to being the happy person I met when she was a single mum. I was of the opinion during her turbulent married years that her children would have been better off had she remained a single mum.
Change seems to have accelerated enormously in the last 30 years - one generation.
My second marriage was extremely happy and lasted 35 years until he passed away. The first one was not happy, he was a cheater and in time an alcoholic.. when I wanted to leave him, my mother insisted that I should stay “for the sake of the children” so I did until they were ready to be out on there own when I met number two and I packed a bag and walked away. My kids now say,” why did you stay so long”. GG
Perhaps when I was young, I was unaware of this, but seems to me the most tragic changes globally are from the rise of fanatics who are "my way or no way" folks to the detriment of all of the rest of us. Also the lack of honor, decency, intelligence, patience,and humor in far too many of our "leaders".
Love your always interesting posts, Pat!
Hugs!
This is another of those posts which would provoke such an interesting discussion if we were all to be together in one room - each with a drink in one's hand. We could go on for days discussing this I'm sure. Thank you all.
John. "More reflective and personal" you may be right. Put it down to old age.
You're morphing into a first rate columnist.
In Ireland when I was growing up it wasn't always an option to allow the grandmother to raise the illegitimate baby. The church regarded a pregnancy outside marriage as an unforgivable sin and the hapless pregnant woman was expected to take the boat to England for a termination or if that wasn't possible she was expected to give the baby up for adoption - an unimaginable loss.
I agree with you Pat, the Pill was a miracle - for those of us who escaped and could access it in the UK.
Another thought-provoking post. The change I most notice is how the divide between rich and poor seems to be returning. The 2nd half of C20 saw much better living standards for all, at least in the UK, but now we seem to have the return of poor quality housing and decreased opportunities for far too many. "Baby boomers" have had the best of things, and we always thought it would continue to get better.
The idea that traditional marriage is the bedrock of society...that was windowdressing really. It wasn't what it seemed at all. There were very unhappily married couples, so caught up in their misery that the misery slopped over to have sad effects on their children. I can remember times of my parents fighting. Sometimes it turned physical. The most surprising thing of all is that when I was married, things went very, very bad. I divorced him and struggled to raise three children on my own. My mother was very harsh. She refused to help out in even the smallest ways. I worked nights, and asked if the children could sleep over at her house, for example. I'd be there to get them in the morning and get them off to school. She launched into a tirade. I said, "Why are you so angry at me?" There was a long pause, as if she'd never really thought about it. Finally she just spat it out. "YOU LEFT!"
What a shocking answer it was, but it was probably the truest thing she'd ever said. I had options that she did not have, and deep down inside, she resented it. She continued to resent it for the rest of her life.
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