Ah yes - Phillip Larkin had a point there didn't he?
I would like to bet that most of us have at least one point of complaint about the way we were brought up. Some of us would no doubt have a long list. But most parents want to do their best for their children. I think they perhaps look back to things in their own childhood that they wish their parents had done differently and vow not to make that same mistake again. But you can be pretty sure that they will perhaps make different mistakes - because we are only human aren't we.
Fashions change. I remember I had to be on my best behaviour if we had friends and or relations to tea. (large tin of peaches, large evaporated milk ('Libby's as my Mum called it) and large tin of red salmon always kept in the kitchen cupboard for just such emergencies when someone would call and be asked to stay for tea. There was always 'stuff' in the garden and greenhouse for salads and my mother made her own bread and cakes so a good 'spread' would be guaranteed. But one thing was always made clear - I did not join in the adult conversation - to use my mother's favourite quotation (not original) 'children should be seen and not heard.'
My great grand children were here for a while a couple of weeks ago. They were a delight but it was a treat to hear my 7 year old, U, expressing her opinion on everything. Her vocabulary was wide, her confidence in putting her point of view was to be admired and I marvelled to think just how well-equipped she would be in life.
Yes times have indeed changed. And for the better as far as that aspect is concerned. But according to the front page of today's Times 'the importance of children doing as they are told has plummeted in the past thirty years. ' My two step grandchildren call sometimes (they live near) and their behaviour when they call with their parents is impeccable. They sit quietly and like little mice - saying not a word unless they are addressed. Almost too good although when I told their mother this she laughed and said I should see them at home where they certainly 'made up for it'. She said they had been taught to behave when out in other folks' houses.
The importance of children being obedient has fallen from 42% in 1990 to 12%!!
My parents were good to me - especially as they had thought that 'bringing up a family' was no longer on the cards (mother well into her forties, my sister 22 years older, my brother 11 years older and me a surprise after only around 7 months pregnancy - arriving unexpectedly and weighing only just over three pounds and in an incubator for a month).
But in one area they failed I think. They are both long dead now so I can say it. Their main complaint was that I 'never shut up'. I gained a reputation in the wider family for being able to 'talk the hind leg off a donkey'. This bedevilled me well into adulthood and really only disappeared for good when I went as a mature student to Teacher Training College and later to University and realised the importance of being able to join in discussions and put one's own point of view.
But one thing is for certain - I didn't make that mistake in my son's upbringing. But another thing is equally certain - between us my husband and I made plenty of other mistakes. I am sure it is impossible not to make mistakes in the way we bring up our children. Hopefully we don't make the same mistakes as our parents but for sure we will discover some different ones.
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27 comments:
So much of this resonated with me, especially the bit about the special tinned foods kept for Sunday best.
I was born exactly 9 months after my parents married but, as my mother later told me, I was quite a disappointment to her being a girl and not a boy. Later still she told me that having three children had ruined her chances of enjoying life.
Well my family life was different but my grandfather always used to say that I was very argumentative. If someone told me black was white I would argue it wasn't, knowing full well it was. But surely there are always two sides to an argument;)
Oh no not Libbys at our house. Carnation Evaporated. Slurp slurp.
I was also told (often) that I talked too much. I have always talked a lot at home or one-on-one but rarely speak up in a group. Interesting post that will stay with me throughout the day. I sent a copy of the poem to my son. Jackie
I like talkative children (as long as they don't interrupt). With the quiet children, one has no idea what they're thinking. I made plenty of mistakes with my two children. I hope I did better than my parents did, especially my mother, who was abusive both physically and emotionally.
Love,
Janie
My family nickname was "Aunt Blabby" as I would say things out loud that I probably should not have said! I don't do that now!
I agree that all parents make mistakes. I know I did but my kids have all turned out okay and I'm glad for that.
Bringing children up is no easy task. Mistakes are made, no doubt about that. Children with strong verbal skills should be encouraged, with guidance and no ridicule. My son has strong verbal skills from an early age onward. My husband being the strong silent type, man with few words and thinking children only speak when spoken to often lost his cool and he needed to be calmed. In my opinion, good manners and decorum are key throughout life. Learning this early is beneficial. My mother insisted on strong manners and good form. She could be harsh but this has carried me well.
Whenever anyone was coming to the house Mom used her favorite words to me. NOT ONE WORD, DO YOU HEAR ME. NOT ONE. She did have her reasons. like me (I was 9 or 10 )asking my brother's girlfriend if she was "with child" cause Mom says you always come with a coat on , looks to be covering up something. Turns out she was. I would listen to her talking to the neighbour and then repeat it to that person they were talking about. Barb from Canada.
My Mum was always sad and my step dad always angry - other than that everything was fine.
I found results of that survey were interesting - not only how things have changed over time but the differences between countries.
I just remember being cocooned in love. Wonderful parents still missed especially today on what would have been their 72nd wedding anniversary.
Ugh-I remember those 'teas' which weirdly involved eating the peaches and evaporated milk, along with a slice of bread and butter, before the salmon salad. Bizarre. Pollie.
I had a happy childhood, an only child in a neighborhood of kids. The rules I had to follow weren't bothersome and my parents were happy. We tried to do the same for our sons, to encourage their curiosity and interests, but know we weren't perfect. Just last night we were marveling that both sons are good men, interesting, funny, and kind.
Hugs!
My parents said I was too quiet! I’ve realised, over time, that I’m an introvert and that there’s nothing wrong with that. I think all parents make mistakes but as long as you do your best with your children then you’ve done alright.
I think we always try to correct the mistakes we think our parents made in raising us. And invariably make our own mistakes as you know children do not come with an instruction manual and every single one is different. So i'am sure my daughter thinks she is raising her children better than she thinks i raised her.. which to me is normal because i did the same when it came to raising her.. You would think after several generations we would reached perfection... :) Hugs! debs
My sister and I were talking once. My father was brought up rough, in an alcoholic home, rife with abuse and dysfunction. He carried that into his own home, and we did not have an easy time growing up in a home headed by a man with a hair trigger temper. But what we both saw was this: in his mind he had done better by us than his own parents had done by him. And that was correct. We grew us, and we had families, and we both feel that we have done better by our children than our father had done by us, even though, I assure you, we had our failings too. Now we are watching our own children raise our children. As the generations pass, as the scars of past generations fade, our children are the better for it. And that's all we can hope for, isn't it? To learn from the mistakes of the past and move on.
My children have not pointed out to me the mistakes I made in rearing them. I do remember telling them they must behave when we were out or visiting and I don't remember them letting the side down. One of my daughter's had tantrums when she was three and they were difficult to cope with when we were out. The only thing I might criticise my mother for was protecting me too well when I was young. I was not allowed to hear or read the news during the war, so was well into my teens before realising what some people had to endure, and I was extremely naive. However, I've coped and hope I prepared my children for adulthood a little better for it.
Having spent twenty-odd years of my life caring for children who were non-verbal I celebrate noisy children everywhere! Children these days seem to have so much more confidence than we had at that age.
The term narcissism is bandied about a lot these days.
I don't think those people should ever become parents, but of course there's no law against it.
They do a lot of damage, but when you're an adult you can see right through it. -Pam.
Yes, they f***ing do, Weave. I have tried to pass this tradition down to my own children, and their children too. I think this is my lasting legacy.
I was about to make a comment similar to Tom"s. I regret the mistakes I made with my children.
My youngest never stopped talking. We just let him get on with it.
I think I made a pretty good job of f***ing myself up.
My mother always said I had been aptly named, my initials were LPR - long play record
Anon - wonderful -- shall remember lpr!!
Such very interesting comments. As always I do so wish we were all together in one room wih a good stiff drink each and couple of hours to spare.
ENJOY YOUR WEEK END. XX all round.
This made me laugh out loud!
I feel lucky in the way I was raised. There were so many of us, but we were taught manners, while still being able to talk freely. I did the same with my sons, or at least I hope I did. They are all good, polite and thoughtful men, at least.. Teaching children to respect others--and giving back the same respect to them--is, i think, a very important aspect of childrearing that is often overlooked.
Thank you everyone
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