There is a sort of scale of feelings I think - it goes from absolute hatred through to absolute adoration with many offshoots in between. I have been lucky with two marriages which were both very happy; I suppose over the years there were bumps in the line, blips which quite rapidly disappeared. So I always found it hard to understand divorce really - how can one really deeply love someone only for that feeling to dissipate? Of course I know this is a stupid view, that some folk take a while for their real self to appear - yes there are many, many reasons for divorce and as I have never been in that situation I really don't know what I am talking about.
But with other folk, with people on television, on radio, in the papers, on the News, for reasons I have never come to terms with (Harry and Megan, the Kardashans (sorry if the spelling is wrong - wouldn't be surprised if it did turn up in Chambers a few years hence) we all mentally have a like/dislike scale otherwise we wouldn't dash home to catch a certain programme or press the on/off switch.
Such is my feeling for Jeremy Clarkson - some weeks, like today, he writes so much better than I ever will- when I agree totally with his premise that the very rich shouldn't strut about displaying their wealth to the world when half of it is suffering/starving/persecuted/enslaved. So on the like/dislike scale I have constructed let's say my button has shot up rapidly towards the 'like' end.
Skin cream 'starter set' @ £495 anyone? If the answer is 'yes' then you obviously don't have to consult your last bank statement to weigh up whether or not you can afford it. I am pretty sure that if you had two twenty somethings or forty somethings (the latter being the probable, gullible set they were aiming the ad at (or perhaps sixty somethings) if you slapped the new skin cream on one and Nivea or Ponds on the other there would not be that much difference in the outcome after a month. And adjusting your diet would probably be more effective. And in any case what is wrong with an ageing skin - it's things like that that save us oldies from having to carry a placard displaying our age ("you've only got to look at her to see she's getting on a bit"). My answer to that is that 'every dog has its day').
As he says in the heading - and I quote
"Minted? Then keep shtoom* about your £500 lotions and your Bugattis".
*thanks Jeremy and The Times for the spelling of shtoom - I would have had to look that up in my Chambers.
An afterthought : I read somewhere that 'proper' money - eg 2ps, 10ps, ten pound notes and the like will eventually completely disappear and everyone will pay at the checkout electronically. Sigh! Remember the penny in the slot machines on lav doors in public toilets and public telephone boxes (bright red - we still have one in our village - it is the village swop shop for paperbacks we've read and won't read again) where you put in twopence and pressed button A. If nobody answered you pressed button B and got your money back?
If there is anybody up there and my annual Humanist subscription has been wasted for years, please don't let the sans money come into force until I have popped my clogs.
.JPG)
26 comments:
I think that divorce is so common now because everyone has been fooled into believing that 'choice' is a human right and infatuation is mistaken for love.
I find many people are quite happy to throw away a marriage when a problem arises. Marriage requires some effort and many are not willing to put in the effort. Many people choose living together instead of marriage.
I have been married twice, divorce is a miserable situation, however, after the second one I said "no more!" I blame myself for not making very good choices in men!
I have been happier and more financially stable on my own! Marriage is simply not for everyone!
My husband can be a big pain in the patootie at times. If you were to ask him, I'm sure he would say that (ironically) his wife is the same. We are in the middle of a big project, and I have really shed some frustrated tears in the past couple weeks. I think that all marriages have those times. It would be easy enough to throw my hands in the air and say, "I've had enough of this." But we don't. Tough times must be slogged through, and at the end of them, when the dust settles, you can look at your partner with satisfaction and say, "Well. If we've come through that, we can come through ANYTHING."
People don't seem to realize that tough times are inevitable in life, and that they are passing storms.
That being said, there are very good reasons to divorce your partner as well.
I think Debby describes it well. P and I have had many "moments" but not bad enough to end it all, although we did come close once.
My first marriage ended because I married far too young, was too immature and did it for all the wrong reasons. We are both now happily married to other people. It would have been miserable for both of us if we had stayed together.
I walked away from my first marriage because of alcohol and abuse, when I met my perfect partner. My husband refused to divorce me so my new partner and I just lived together. Four years later and my husband passed away. After another four years my partner and I married and were together very happily for 35 years until his death. With us it was love at first sight, we had both been married for over 20 years and really knew what we wanted. I can say we only had one spat in all that time and neither of us ever remembered what it was about, probably a misunderstanding.
As you suggest most people lie somewhere along the continuum from hatred to adoration; it's only in films where they fit neatly into "hero" and "villain" categories.
Divorce is no new thing that only the young of today find easy to do, it's just been made more publicly acceptable. In the 1800's - 1900's a lot of people, especially the aristocrats, got married (so that the husband could become financially secure via the new wife's dowry) but he then carried on with his various mistresses, acknowledged by the wife, but the wife didn't shout divorce, because that was considered a society no-no.
I don't believe in all this "lovey-dovey, rough it out and eventually live happy ever after stuff", if it ain't working, move on. Aged 76, my biggest achievement after three marriages, is the fact that I'm still good friends with all my previous wives, we accepted reality and remained good friends as a result.
An interesting post.
As a fellow humanist, I don’t understand the concept of marriage. To me, if you take God out of it, marriage is merely a contract and I don’t understand how one can contract to feelings.
It’s a pity that the UK is so backward that it doesn’t recognize common law partnerships.
I married in the mid 70’s for all the wrong reasons. The main reason was to annoy his mother (!). I don’t think I was “in love” and can remember thinking as I signed the register “oh well we can always get divorced”. Fast forward a few years and I decided I did not like being married. By then we were living in Canada. On a trip to Las Vegas I tried to see if we could get a quickie divorce. It turned out that you had to be resident for longer than our stay there. Given that didn’t work I mentally divorced him.
Yes we are still together but, in my mind, just not married.
I don't believe that most people give up on their marriage easily. The thing is, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors, and just because the couple choose not to make their reasons public it doesn't mean that one or other of them does not have a serious, well-founded issue with the other.
I liked Jan's comment.
I am happily divorced!
Funny you should mention Jeremy Clarkson. I had never heard of him until my granddaughter gave us the DVD set of his series Clarkson's Farm, which we are currentlywatching. He is an interesting character.
Unless one has been through a divorce, I can see why it would be difficult to understand. It is not usually something done lightly. It's painful, messy, heartbreaking. For many it is a choice between a life of unhappiness and the possibility of something better. And nowadays, thankfully, women do not have to stay in a marriage because of economic reasons, which often held them in the oast.
I realise that there are some couples for whom divorce is the only sensible option, but I do feel that many couples expect too much from marriage and are perhaps not prepared for a bit of give and take. I'm glad to say my husband and I managed 62 years together without driving each other crazy.
I can't stand Jeremy Clarkson but must agree with him on the question of flaunting riches.
I married young and was lucky that we are a good match. I can't say at age 18 I honestly realized that I had made a good choice. It was luck. Watching many of my friends divorce and discovering more about my Mother's several divorces and affairs (one affair of which I am a product while my sister's are products of an abusive marriage) I have come to realize that much is down to luck. I completely agree with the idea of not being forced to stay in an unhappy situation but I also acknowledge that some people may find it a bit too easy to leave. Certainly children add a great deal of consideration as some are in a better situation with both parents in the household and some do not. I think my Mother left her first marriage to save her life as well as one of my sister's. It is true that no one knows what goes on in a home unless one lives there. Jackie in Georgia USA
You keep writing interesting posts day after day. Like this one you cover many topics. Now divorce. These times are very different and make relationships more challenging. We used to marry people we knew or people who were not very far away and were similar in many ways. the list is endless in what the differences are now compared to many years ago.
I've been married for 48 years. Each era had its challenges, ie how and why a child is discipled ie. his 'we show a united front in front of the child and discuss it later' when I strongly disagreed about something and actually sided with the child.
I am also a product of the feminist era and 'raged against the patriarchy', and pre this, as a child and teenager, felt a lot of rebellion against what was expected of, and tolerated by females. To stay in a young marriage I suppressed all that and sweetly tolerated appalling behaviour before that particular young husband left to pursue his hedonistic and egocentric lifestyles.
My 'never again' to male ingratitude saw me through the next 45 years with a healthy attitude to male emotional tantrums,(with some pain too I might add), however a much needed and deserved retirement is throwing up a whole new set of challenges.
A husband wanting to be in charge of everything from placement and purchase of pantry items which I can no longer find, who visits when and for how long, appointment times made regardless, the 'correct way' to wash floors, and what gets planted where in the garden needs patience beyond measure. Such things were not an issue pre retirement.
Marriage can be good, but also hard at times. Humour will always be the saving grace in a good marriage. - Pam
My divorce is the worst thing ever in my life
I have one friend who's been married FIVE times, it makes my once seem very dull.
Some people have this cosy idea that a husband is a protector, and that all will be well with a little give and take on both sides, but I have known all of these people: a man who bullied his wife and sons, whose elder son now beats his wife; a wife who always wore long sleeves to cover up the cigarette burns on her arms; a mother of young children who instigated divorce and sale of property before her husband gambled everything away (he refused to admit that he had a problem); a professional man who could be found unconscious (drunk) in the early hours, under the trees of the driveway and would launch into a terrible temper if it was mentioned; a woman so terrified of her husband she couldn't sleep for fear for months after she left him, and a man who would howl at the moon when he was drunk, and beat up three wives in a row - he moved away to a new woman he met on Facebook, who will be in for a major shock! Divorce is sometimes essential.
(And I am aware that the fault can just as easily lie with the female partner!)
I have divorced twice...one walked out when he , in hindsight, wanted control...the other gaslighted me...took a while to realise that...too many years.
Pirate eventually divorced..his ex wanted to change him...then decided she wanted someone else...who didn't want her.
Doesn't life get complicated!!
We have our moments, like anyone, but we wish that we had got it right sooner!!
the bonus in life I have understood..is to change your mind as you come to realise things and people as you get older...for me it's Michael Portilla...love him now!!!
Gerry - totally agree!
Heather - that is precisely the point I was trying to make in my post but I failed - must try harder to get my point across. I can't stand the man either but now and again he does come up with a piece with which I agree. To all who posted an answer to this post - thank you. Obviously I didn't get the idea across because only Heather answered my qyestion but how interesting I found your answers - divorce is so much easier - perhaps sometimes regretted afterwards. There was a time when a woman was considered the inferior partner in a marriage and thank goodness we have at last nearly (but not quite in some peoples' eyes) got to the point of equality of the sexes.
The point I was trying to make was flaunting money when you have tons of it shouldn't be done. Not a good piece of writing from me - but I enjoyed your responses. Thanks.
I divorced as my husband started spending money like water without telling me. He bought a TAG watch for £2k, plus various other expensive toys. He was unable to have children but refused to consider adoption or fostering To me the trust had gone. I've been remarried happily for 18 years, have two children and am enjoying life.
Clearly you and Heather are on the same wavelength but also clearly, others, myself included, aren't.
As for Jeremy Clarkson, I think he's brilliant, I've also believed in saying what you feel, but it's not always popular with people who struggle with strong and honest opinions.
Thankfully Clarkson doesn't also flounce about in pink trousers.
Thanks everyone.
Post a Comment