Living alone is an art to be learned and it can only be learned when it happens - there is no practise.
This morning there was a coffee morning in a neighbouring village where W and I have friends and we had promised to go. As usual it was lovely - toasted tea cakes and coffee on a sunny Saturday morning and a couple of hours chat with other people. I had a particularly nice chat with a chap who used to be a farmer before he retired and who knew my farmer well. I went home full of happy memories of the old days.
But, of course, I went into an empty house (apart from my dear old dog who as usual was pleased to see me). However hard one tries to get on with life Saturdays are the worst of all days. Families are together and you are alone and the spectre of loneliness lurks. I had plenty to do and I had bought two books on the second hand book stall so I would also have reading this evening but cutting out negative thoughts is never easy. As my friend said, however hard you try the plain fact remains that 'the bed is too big'. I thought this such a good analogy - in a happy marriage the end of the day usually brings a quick cuddle before lights out and once you are alone you are not first in anyone's life any more. Everyone has, by necessity, someone who is more important to them.
The sun helps and today is still a lovely sunny day albeit considerably less warm. My courgettes and my runner beans are growing apace - I have just had cornish new potatoes and my own courgette
(gently fried in a mixture of oil and butter) with broccoli for my lunch. Now I shall empty the dishwasher, re stock it with the lunch things and take Tess for a walk - in that order. That will no doubt put me in a much better frame of mind. Sorry for the moan.
About Me
- The Weaver of Grass
- I am a widow for the second time - first marrriage 39 years, second marriage 23 years - both very happy. My second marriage was to a farmer and when he died the farm was sold. I now live in the nearby small town on the edge of Wensleydale in The Yorkshire Dales. My beloved Border Terrier died a couple of years ago - I still miss her but as I am 90 and need carers I shalln't get another I have one son,who lives nearby with his wife, three grandchildren, one step grandchild, two great grandchildren and two step great grandchildren..Life is good.
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23 comments:
Not a moan,Pat, just the plain facts of it. Wishing I was close by and could just walk over but there's a big old ocean in the way.
I feel this way sometimes, although my husband is still living. But sometimes it seems like we're just rattling around here, no grown sons or grandchildren coming to visit as they used to before the kids all got older and into lives of their own. We're sort of extraneous, not needed now as we once were. I am grateful for that most of the time, as I now have more time to do what I want, but some days the empty house just echoes with remembered voices and noise.
Blogs and commenting have made me laugh out loud today, even if that was not the intention of the blogs. Here the restaurant and the dogs comments had me in hysterics. Angela Carter's biography is also making me laugh a lot in the most inappropriate way. I have that to look forward to tonight.
As I've said before when you've often brought this subject up, your thoughts are quite alien to me, I enjoy being on my own, regardless of if it's Saturday or Sunday. I've had three wives and each has left me because I'm just not suited to living with someone 24/7. I enjoy having the whole double bed to myself, having meals when I'm hungry, not at the same time each day, opening a bottle of wine when I feel like it and basically can't get my head round living forever feeling sorry for myself because I'm on my own. My partner of six years lives 80 miles away and we see each other every couple of weeks and then clear off back to our own homes and that suits us just fine.
Oh Weaver, you know I can relate to what you say. I spent my entire adult life living with my hubby (47 years) so now I am alone it is a whole new world. The peace and quiet are appreciated though.
That wasn't a moan and it is good to get things of your chest rather than bottle them up. I am fortunate to have found that I quite like living alone. The thought of it used to worry me as I had never lived alone before my husband died, but I seem to have taken to it quite easily. So pleased you have your good friends for company and pleasant trips. It's a pity we live so far apart - I wouldn't mind living in Yorkshire though my family would find the journeys to visit rather a trial!
We come into the world alone, and we leave alone, even though there might be people around our bed. We should have respect and love for the one life given to us on this earth, and not try to run away from it invoking loneliness, boredom etc..
Nowadays, the concept of MEtime is very IN , especially in old age, starting with retirement from work- and rightly so. It's the last chance one has for a dialogue with one's body and soul, for taking care of one's health issues, for putting oneself at the top of the agenda. There won't be another.
That's another thing, if you are widowed or separated there is no one to moan to!
Every time I wake up and my husband is still I poke him to make sure he's still breathing.
I have no idea how I would cope if he wasn’t; it's my biggest nightmare.
I would cope. Like you and Sue in Suffolk and thousands of others I’d have to but the thought......
You are a brave and courageous lady and I'm glad that you feel able to moan to us.
I only hope it helps a little.
It sounds as though there should be Saturday Clubs for people in your situation.
Any chance of getting together with some one else and starting one?
It needn't be very big and every one could bring something to a Bring and Share tea.
Sue
I think you all probably misunderstood my post or maybe I wrote it while in the wrong frame of mind. I have adapted totally to living alone, eating when I wish to eat and what I wish to eat. I wouldn't want the farmer back in the state of health he was when I lost him - it was his time to go. Almost all of the time things run smoothly along the lines - just occasionally there is a momentary derailment - this morning was one of those moments.
Most of us drop into that kind of frame of mind at times Pat, perhaps not for the same reasons as you but we all have them. Sit me in my conservatory with a couple of glasses of wine, a CD playing music that evokes particular memories of long ago, (mainly by teenage years in the 1960's) and melancholia easily swamps me.
I really feel for you and can tell from your blogs that you are upbeat a lot of the time in really difficult circumstances. Just sending you warm thoughts admiration.
Sounds like a momentary sigh and moving on,to me, Pat. Here's a tip of the hat to the farmer, and a big smile for you!
I would give all I have had and have now to hear those two blond haired tots come in the door and ask what is to eat. I have moved to the city of my daughter and her family so I have them-I spend weeks and weeks with my son and his family in the south-I have them! My family is making sure I have them around me and the time I have alone-I have always enjoyed alone time! It will get better-oh I detest those platitudes--but you will enjoy your reading and crafts and friends and walks-it doesn't matter what we have in life-what is important is that we touch others! Sounds like you do that!!! We leave a legacy of ourselves behind-memories- and with those who have gone before us-we cherish those memories of them and hold faith that one day we will see them again. Life has been so difficult at times that it is almost impossible to move but we do! We are women! We are strong!!! You can email me at any time day or night!
I would give all I have had and have now to hear those two blond haired tots come in the door and ask what is to eat. I have moved to the city of my daughter and her family so I have them-I spend weeks and weeks with my son and his family in the south-I have them! My family is making sure I have them around me and the time I have alone-I have always enjoyed alone time! It will get better-oh I detest those platitudes--but you will enjoy your reading and crafts and friends and walks-it doesn't matter what we have in life-what is important is that we touch others! Sounds like you do that!!! We leave a legacy of ourselves behind-memories- and with those who have gone before us-we cherish those memories of them and hold faith that one day we will see them again. Life has been so difficult at times that it is almost impossible to move but we do! We are women! We are strong!!! You can email me at any time day or night!
Five years and to this day, I still long to hear his voice. I would pull in the garage, and hear him yell from his office, "Hi babe. Need any help?"
It never ends. As you said, "...sunshine helps..." because winter is worse when you arrive home to a cold, dark, empty house.
I don't know if I could contemplate living by myself. My children are grown up but still live with me and my other half, well I can't imagine life without him. Would be strange.
It didn't come across as a moan, just an observation. Yes, there are lots of positive things to find about living alone and we learn to fill our time, but most of us prefer to live with others. The part in your post that really struck a chord with me however was that when we are single, we don't come first with anyone. That is a painful truth. I have a loving family, good friends and a good social life but when you close the front door, as you say, you are on your own.
Hi weaver,
Remember me? Lots of love to you and Tess. X
Sunday morning I'm watching the European athletics championships on tv - women's marathon from Berlin. Hope Charlotte Purdue has a good run. Ups and downs. I think we all get them in various degrees at various times. Nothing to do but get on with it. Living, that is.
O dear. She just retired after 10km. Never mind, we have 3 more still going strong.
Gwil - good analogy there - a bit of a wake-up call to me too, so thanks for that. I have really enjoyed the European Championships - one of the things the television is really good for I think. Didn't we do well in the swimming stakes?
Rachel - I do indeed remember you - you came for coffee and scones to meet me and my son at the farm ages ago. Hope life is being good to you.
Brenda - you obviously have a Faith to help you along. I am a Humanist and I believe that there is only self to help me along. Most days I feel strong and am doing fine - just the odd moan.
Reading all your replies is so interesting - all point to one thing - we are human.
Thanks to you all.
I feel a bit like Derek in that I don’t seem to be able to live with anyone full time. My children are all grown up and live in their own homes and I’ve often thought I’d like a huge house so we could all live together in separate wings. But the reality is they need to live their lives in their own ways and I have got used to living alone and mostly prefer it. I too have my little dog and she means that the house is never truly empty. I also feel while you have Tess you will always come first with her.
Love from Tricia and Lucy
I often feel this way. Unfortunately, the end of a 28 year marriage at only age 47 has left me with many, many years of being on my own ahead :( Most of the time I'm fine, but there are those days...
love it!
cam
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