Or a widower for that matter
After many years of being a couple, thinking like a couple, preparing meals for two, washing for two - everything that married couples do together - and in one's spare time (not much of that on a farm) using it to do things that you enjoy together - in our case this was travelling the world, before my lack of mobility walking the country lanes, naming the wildflowers and the birds, looking for early mushrooms and blackberries, thinking almost as one. Suddenly one is alone.
And it is not easy, as anyone who has gone through it will attest. But you need to get one thing clearly in your head immediately. Your
partner is gone. He/she will not return.
Then surely the next thing you need to get into your head is that you owe it to them to cope, to get on with life, to grin and bear it. All the moping in the world will not bring them back, it will just make life harder.
Sooner or later we are all in the same boat and there is little or no point in rocking it. We need to
fill our days, go out with friends, find new hobbies. If we are young enough and mobile enough (as I was when I lost my first husband) find some job helping others in some capacity.
If you are old like me, and pretty immobile, then
concentrate on getting about - not sitting at home moping.
Of course I miss my dear old farmer every single day - but the world at large won't be and I have to live in that. Come on girls - we must be strong and stick together.
Sunday 5 August 2018
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31 comments:
"Not sitting at home moping" is that crucial nail on the head statement.
You are one amazing person.The Farmervwould be so proud of you.They are my sentiments too.
Wonderful post. I think you have hit the nail on the head as Derek said. You have to get out and about.
cheers, parsnip
Trying and succeeding yesterday
Trying and failing today.
Yes, death brings a closure, no two ways about it.
What a wonderful post. This is exactly how I feel it should be, although at times it can be hard and you have to learn to take each and every day for what it is, enjoying the good days and moving on from the bad ones as quickly as you can.
I admire your strength, yours and Sue's (Sue in Suffolk). I really don't know how I'd cope - I suppose none of us do until the worst happens.
Thank you for this wonderful post. I lost my husband in January and this past Thursday would have been our 40th anniversary. Everything you wrote is true, but some days ... What Sue said is perfect. I'm the first of my friends and relatives to lose a spouse, so don't have a group of others in this situation. I am trying - joined an exercise group, volunteering at the local library for starters. The week-ends, however, are often lonely. And evenings. I so miss just sharing the little things with my husband.
I appreciate your blog, your good sense, and strength. Thank you for your writings.
Mary
Thinking of you, Sue. Xx
Wise advice. Thank you.
The best way is on. Girls are tough.
After 43 years with the love of my life, to have him gone is unbearable at times. I try to remember three things:
1. He no longer suffers. 2. Better me than him as the one left behind. 3. I want to make him proud of me.
I buried him with his wedding ring and Edna St. Vincent Millay's poem, "Dirge Without Music.
Such brave ladies, you and Sue.
You inspire me, how to face a tragedy and yet go on living a worthwhile life.
Take life one day at a time, take care of yourself, and find things to do that bring you pleasure. So pleased you have good friends to help you through. I am very lucky and have all my children within easy visiting distance and am making friends with several other 'inmates' of the retirement flats I live in. I can't believe it is almost a year ago that I moved in.
You were lucky to find two remarkable mates.
Getting on with it, indeed. I think it's wonderful that you play an instrument. Music brings folk together.
Loss of a spouse is a life altering event. You speak the truth about coping and surviving.
Thankyou for writing such wonderful words. I lost my husband of 45 years just two weeks ago, so everything is still so very raw. Picking up life again and learning to live a different way is something I know I must do (and he would want me to do this), so your words are very timely and I found them encouraging. Thankyou.
When my husband died almost 9 years ago, we were both 41 - and I was, of course, still in the middle of everything: Work, friends, family, hobbies, sports...
Like Gail wrote in her comment, I found comfort in the thought of "better me than him as the one left behind". We had actually been talking about this a few times; it was one of my husband's big fears that I would die before him.
Without work, I doubt I would have coped the way I did. It kept me going, gave my days and weeks structure. Also, my friends and family played crucial roles. Sometimes their help consisted in just leaving me be - other times, their company was what I needed.
I think you are doing very well, Pat, and set a fine example to many.
The occasional sad hours or days are part of it and no-one needs to apologise for feeling sad and lonely at times.
Wise and helpful words Pat and one’s that I shall pin to my desktop.
You have set such a good example to those of us who still have our partners.
Being as honest as you and Sue in Suffolk are is a great gift to others.
Your garden looks wonderful. Having seen it in its raw stages it's an amazing transformation
since April.
Sue
Wise words, death is inevitable. You have to pick yourself up and carry on. This has been my philosophy throughout my adult life when life gets you down, fight back. Sometimes it's hard but it has to be done.
The Librarian makes good reading in her comment. No apologies needed for feeling down sometimes and nobody should ever criticize anybody for feeling sorry for themselves occasionally either. It is natural that not everyday can one cope and a little self-indulgence does no harm until you pick yourself up again and feel ready to carry on with those hobbies and meetings and outside life.
Wise words spoken by you.
As soon as someone steps into a relationship there will be only one surviving partner one day. It's good to realise this.
No matter how sad I was after my partner's (very sudden) death 9 years ago, I never gave up life. In my opinion you owe this to your children but also to yourself, which doesn't mean that you are not allowed to grieve. On the contrary.
A few years later I met my present husband (a widower) and we have a very happy marriage. Of course we won't forget our deceased partners.
https://ruraltownliving.blogspot.com/
My husband of 54 years passed 2 months ago and every place I go and every thing I do reminds me of him ....I can be walking thru the grocery store and burst into tears. Weekends are the worst. I try to stay busy and do everything I think would make him proud: mowing the yard, feeding the animals, just taking care of things. Life is just so different now.
Work can indeed be a lifesaver. Now that I have moved and am "retired", I still do a bit of work from home, but that does not really help as there is little social interaction. I try to get out and do things, but in a totally new city, it's hard. And I'm one of those people who, if I don't HAVE to get up and do something, I end up making excuses to just stay home. I do so admire you for all of your determination and energy! Also, like Sue said, every day is a new and different day; when I have a bad one, I don't stress about it - I just tell myself "ok, go ahead and wallow in your sadness and loneliness today, tomorrow you'll feel better", and I do :)
Having friends to support us and commiserate with are so important when life hands us terrible blows.
Oh yes, it helps when we girls are strong and stick together as we continue our journeys. You, dear Weaver, are now part of my tribe as we widows offer advice and understanding to each other.
My husband of 30 years is quite a bit older than i ... and barring any tragedy he will no doubt pass before i.. Our age difference never bothered me when we were younger... but i see it now.. I see him aging far quicker than i had hoped... I cannot imagine a world without him in it.. Your words of wisdom i will take to heart Pat and Sue and others and some day i will have to take them out and dust them off and use them.. Thank you... Hugs! deb
Such wise advice. Thank you.
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