Just a short update on my medical condition. I went on the long trip to hospital yesterday to speak to the Radio Therapy consultant. He explained the procedure and the side effects(not pleasant) and also confirmed that the cancer has spread and there are now 'spots' on both lungs and liver. Before he told me I had already decided to turn down Radio Therapy - one journey had totally tired me out - the thought of five consecutive journeys made me realise I couldn't cope.
Today I have had the medical palliative care team of nurses to see me. They were a delight. We had lots of laughs. We have mapped out my route - home as I am now - home with a hospital bed if I need to sleep 'propped up', stay here to the end with the help of palliative care nursing. If this becomes impossible then into a local (Darlington) hospice. A box of pain treatment drugs is to be brought to the bungalow shortly and left here in a secure box and to be administered by District Nurses if and when appropriate. A whole list of phone numbers to ring day and night and regular visits of medical staff. They left me feeling good. I have no complaints.
In today's post a Christmas card and letter from dear friends we now live far from but still in contact regularly. F, more or less the same age as me, has Dementia with Alzheimers - can't remember our lovely walks together, our playing the Brandenberg 4 together, holidaying in Scotland together, barely recognises his wife or his three children.
There are worse things than cancer believe me. I feel content.
I will try to post again shortly - it is just a case of finding a subject that appeals to me. Wars and rumours of wars seem paramount and they just appal me. How dare I feel sorry for myself when I see maimed children suffering - and also when I think of the weather in Ukraine and the suffering there?
Let's all try to be super-cheerful over the Christmas Season. A good peaceful Christmas to you all.
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70 comments:
I read your post with both a smile and a heavy heart. I know your attitude toward life, and the end of life is healthy and positive and realistic. I am sorry to hear that the radiation would have had nasty side effects (I guess I was very lucky) and would have been so taxing on you. I can tell that you are content in your decisions and I wish you all the best in the days to come and I know you have family and friends who care very much for you, as well as your blogging "friends". -Jenn
Absolutely. All of us out here in the blogging world wish you all the best, foe everything to work out as you have planned. In the meantime keep blogging when you can and Have a very Happy Christmas with cheerful thoughts. xx
I have no words. You are an amazing woman.thoughts and prayers
Your post, in spite of it's content, leaves me uplifted. I am so pleased that you are so positive about everything and it is good to know that you will have the best care in your own home. As Brenda says, you are an amazing woman and an example to us all.
Wow!What an amazing lady you are.An inspiration to us all.Barbarax
I have only commented on your blog a very few times but have enjoyed reading it often. There will be many who comment on this post which has been written with bravery, stoicism and practical good sense in planning for , rather than denying, your situation. You are a wonderful lady indeed. Thinking of you x
Alison in Wales x
I wish you love for your life for the future, you are very brave with your decisions. Another blog I read Devon Dreaming is at a similar point to you. Sending you love and hugs from Staffordshire. Gill Xx
The box of drugs are called anticipatory drugs and can be incredibly useful , especially if u need input from the Marie curie nurses as well as tbe distric nurses.
Use the palliative care nurses knowledge , although they are not hands on they are fantastically knowledgeable
You seem well organised
Well done my old girl xx
As you have been saying to me for some weeks this was always your initial thought on the subject. You are doing alright in the comfort of your own home with your friends and books and blogging friends. It comforts me too to know that you are in safe hands of the medical staff and they are looking after you. Rachel XXX
You have so many friends in blogland and we are all wishing you the best that things can be.
Stay strong, sending special ((hugs)) from Suffolk
Sending a big ((((hug))))
District Nurses are great...if they are anything like ours 🙂
You seem to have a good team to look after you and help to make sure that you can remain confortable at home or wherever you decide to be. You have a positive outlook which is an inspiration to many of us, I feel.
Thank you for your honesty. I am so glad you have a good team supporting you, with the option of a Hospice if things don't work out for you to stay home. Thoughts and prayers winging your way from your many friends in blogland
You have made your devision Pat and I salute your clear headed courage. My own mother made the same decision when she could no longer see the benefits of further treatment. Catriona
You have your ducks🦆🦆🦆 all lined up and in a neat row! Congratulations for being more then prepared as you gently wind down! Try to enjoy your time the very best way you can and make sure you have a good supply of KitKats on hand and in easy reach!
You truly are an inspiration on how to do it!
❤️ And hugs from Colorado!!
Dear Pat, I am sending all good wishes to you in the days and months ahead. May you continue to reap all that you have sown with us with such generosity: cheerfulness, honesty, curiosity, memories, compassion, and a love of humankind, music, nature, books, and travel.
Love to your remarkable self.
Bonnie in Minneapolis
Oh, Pat. I am so disappointed to hear about the spread.
They gave me the emergency drugs box a year ago, and they go out of date soon, but I am still here and well. As John says, it is for just in case and not necessarily final.
When I mentioned "free tattoos" in commenting on the previous post, it was a reference to the little dots they put in your skin to position the radiotherapy machine. My daughter thought it hilarious because it is in fact a permanent tattoo. I still have mine. I guess you won't be getting them.
The radiotherapy consultant put the fear of god into me about possible side effects, but in the event, I was lucky and there were none - but 20 sessions (every weekday for 4 weeks) with a 40-mile round trip was extremely tiring, even though I was collected each time.
I am sending love and warm wishes as you begin a new journey. It is all about the journey and you have this planned out to perfection. I am thinking of you and will be here to follow you and even have lovely exchanges just like always.
I'm grateful you are able to make these decisions. I'm proud of you, which may sound odd when referencing your end of life plan, but I am.
Oh Weave, you are one inspirational woman. We will all be thinking of you.
What amazing to me is that no matter what life throws at you, what remains is your practical good sense, your unwavering ability to plot your course, your cheerful humor. You are remarkable.
I admire your spirit, Pat, and send you warm hugs as you go through your planned care. I look forward to your future posts and wish you peace and calm through the holidays and into the New Year. Love you, Dear!
I'm so glad you've been able to map out your path according to your desires, and that you're surrounded by a wonderful, caring, compassionate medical team. The peace & contentment in your "voice" are loud & clear, and must surely be felt by your family, friends, and carers.
Peace to you, dear lady.
What a great attitude you have to life and your situation. I'm happy you're able to be at home with good care.
"How dare I feel sorry for myself" A classic Pat quote. I hope I can have a fraction of your strength when the need arises, and it will arise for us all. You have taught us so much and continue to do so. How lucky we are to know you. Once a teacher, always a teacher. Thank you. I look forward to future posts. Much love, Jackie
Dear friend, I am so grateful to have found your blog so long ago as you are one special, well educated, and interesting woman, an inspiration about so many things, including how you're handling this unwelcome medical news. May you surprise the doctors and live on in comfort and joy!
Love and hugs from the east coast of Virginia, USA
I have read your blogs of strength and humor for some years now, and love you through them. My cancer has not reached the stage of yours and they tell me it is still "curable" not just treatable. I have to hold on to that, but I know that I may face your decisions sooner than I'd like. Thank your for once again being strong and clear-seeing. You lend me courage.
It has been a joy and a privilege to share in your life. Peace be with you, Weaver, and all of your family and friends.
You are an inspiration for all as you face your time here with such dignity and grace. I am so glad I found your blog. You are always so uplifting.
Dear Pat, As always, you are wise and positive. You've made a sensible decision and, as always, have a well thought out plan. May the days ahead be filled with good times and laughs, and support as you need it. XX
You've gone through a lot lately. You have made some very good plans. Most of all it sounds like you have accepted your end and are satisfied with all plans. I'm amazed at how many people are there to assist you. You are a great example.
Your thoughts and attitude are like a light shining. I am sending you lots of good thoughts and hope your planning works out ideally as you hope.
I have to admit I choked up a bit reading this post. It has been a pleasure and a privilege to read your blog all these many years. I will look forward to continuing the journey with you, Pat. What a blessing to have such a net of helpful people around you.
May you know how many people’s lives you have touched via your blog. May you be supported by friends and family in the days ahead and surrounded by love.
The stories of your life through all the decades are fun to read when you share them. I am grateful to know you
As always, I am full of admiration and respect at your pragmatic approach.
Sending much love. Xx
I am so sorry to hear of your recent diagnosis. As always you seem to be very sensible about the best course to take. Here's hoping that you will be able to continue posting, if and when you feel like it. It's good that you can stay in your home and not have to contend with an abrupt change of living conditions. It sounds as though you have a good team of people at hand to help you in any way they can. That is such a blessing.
You certainly are the epitome of "aging gracefully" and offer a wonderful model for those of us coming along to try to attain.
Love, Victoria
You are an inspiration to us all. It is good to know that you are so well cared for. May all the plans work out, and may you be surrounded by love from family and friends. I am looking forward to reading whatever you chose to write about, it is always interesting and thought-provoking.
Hilde in Germany
Dear Weave. I am so sorry to hear all this. I'm sure that those who surround you will make sure you are comfortable. I look forward to many more of your daily postings. Cro xx
Keep travelling on Weave. We are with you. Much love - Pam xx
I can't say anything different from the others here, so let me just join my voice to the choir of friends from blogland to cheer you on and assure you of our continuing love and support - at least mentally. For practical support, there seems to be no lack of family, friends, carers and nurses.
Before long, I am sure you will come up with more of the interesting, thought-provoking posts we all appreciate so much.
Dear Weaver you are truly inspirational. I’m a long time reader but have not commented before.
I so enjoy your well written , interesting and thoughtful posts.
I can only hope that I remain as mentally alert and as pragmatic as yourself as I age.
Keep eating KitKats and post when you can, we all care for you so much.
Much love, Sue
There is a positive energy in you Pat and it keeps us all going. So now it is our turn to keep you going and happy. Everyone has said all that should be said and I echo those sentiments. We are all here for you and your writings. Take care.
I am so sad to hear this news...but I would probably have made the same choice. You are a brave and loving soul. God's got this!
hugs
Donna
I could gather all the comments above and repeat them to you. Thank you for being who you are and sharing with us. Many people in my family had cancer, and a friend of mine is expecting a diagnosis in january, whether good or bad. I send you all my warmest thoughts Weaver !
Maguy
As in everything you face this news with dignity and grace. Prayers for you.
You always seem to have been in charge of your life, I am pleased you still are and making the decisions. When push comes to shove the NHS are there for us, you will be in the best hands and most importantly in your own home. Your bravery and common sense inspire us all, just keep in being you. Warm wises x
So sorry to hear this news Weave. I have commented only once but have read your blog often. You are an inspiration, what a woman. You are a role model to us all. Sending virtual hugs. Carol
Radiation can be tough and will only slow the inevitable. If I were you, I would choose the same route. It's not easy staring at your own mortality but I think aging helps us to accept our mortality.
I'm so thankful I have had the opportunity to read your blog, and a chance to know you a little, even if it's only through the internet. As another blogger said, you inspire me.
Have a lovely Christmas Pat. Sending you hugs from across the ocean.
I hope I will have your courage when my time comes; I have told my girls that I want to stay at home til the very end if at all possible. I have been a reader of your blog for many years and consider you a friend. It is so nice that you will be provided all that care when you need it. Chug on Weave! We love you. Gigi
Dear Weave, I am so glad that you can stay in your own home. I can see from all the comments above that we all love you! A Happy Christmas to you too. XXX
I have admired your attitude, intelligence and curiosity, Pat, since I started reading your blog many years now. You live a full life, and have had many experiences, which you write about in ways that allow me to feel what you were feeling, and see what you were seeing. You never let your age define you, and I know that as a woman, I want to age like you have. You said a hearty yes to technology, and embraced it, and kept on, even when it was daunting. This post, like all of your posts, is so honest and forthright. You are the bright light in this world. Much love from across the pond.
You are truly an inspiration. Happy Christmas and I hope the coming journey is a peaceful one.
You don't know me, but I've commented a couple of times here, after enjoying reading many of your blogs. I can just echo what everyone already has said, adding my voice to "well done" and "good for you" as to your decisions. And my wishes for you are to continue enjoying each moment of this life, as you have certainly lived it to its fullest. I do hope to see many more posts here as to what your thoughts have brought to mind. Barbara R.
i am very sorry to hear this. I dont comment on your blog often but do read it and i find you an inspiring person. I probably wouldnt do radiation either. i send you good thoughts as you enter this phase.
So very sorry to learn this Weave, you are a very inspiring lady, your posts always encouraging and informative.
I wish you well in your days ahead, and here's to reading more about your journey.
Wishing you a Happy Christmas, and a peaceful New Year.
~JO
I have read your blog for a long time but only comment occasionally. I am sad to hear your diagnosis but I so admire your courage and your good sense in your decisions. You are truly a beacon in blog land. I wish you a happy and peaceful Christmas.
You are loved by many. I wish you peace
This is the second post from a farm in Missouri after many years of sharing in your sad times, joyful moments, happy memories, literature recommendations, global interests, and world concerns. May you continue to weave together your life, family, and readers on your own terms and take comfort in the garment you create.
Dear brave lady, I wish you a peaceful Christmas too. XXXXX
You are a strong woman.
Pat,I' m glad the medical team is being supportive and didn't balk when you decd to stay home for as long as you can ,.may
your Christmas be.
Merry and bright, Mary
You are am amazing lady and I love hearing your stories, long they may continue. I wish you peace and goodwill going forward on your journey. Viv x
Much love & many hugs from us dear friend
Wendy (Wales)
I have always admired your ability to see the positive side of life. I know I do not weigh in often Pat, but I've followed you for years. Holding you in my heart right now. You are an amazing woman with so much wisdom and things to share. Thank you.
Always such a pleasure to read your writing. Thank you for sharing and allowing me to peek into your online community. I always felt better after pondering your words. Olivia in the PNW
You are such an inspiration to me and so many others. You are handling everything with such grace. xx
As many have already said, you are an inspiration. You have taught me a lot about navigating aging and memories. I selfishly want to read your blog forever. So happy to hear that you will be able to stay in your home. Wishing you a wonderful Christmas.
i heartily agree with everything thats been said already, you are such an inspiration on how to age well and achieve contentment,i fully intend to follow your lead
i so enjoy reading your blog, wishing you a happy and peaceful christmas
Tasker. Thank you for the information you give here. The consultant more or less said the same as you say - and the eighty mile round trip every day didn't seem an option to me as the inevitable will still happen. Good luck with your health - you seem to be ploughing on like I am. For me - and I suspect you too - there is no alternative.
Thanks everyone - you are just such an inspiration too.
Oh Weaver, so sorry to read this. I am a long time lurker but have missed reading lots of posts recently.
My mother passed away last year at the age of 92.
She had breast cancer nearly 20 years ago and was treated at 'The Christie' a well known cancer care hospital in Manchester.
They did offer Chemotherapy but this was turned down as not conferring very much benefit but did offer radiotherapy
They gave her the option of traveling in each day or staying in and being taken down from the ward for radiotherapy each day. She chose the latter and as she was very frail and completely tired out from the surgery, it was the best option.
Also knowing my mum she would not have rested but would have still tried to do all the cooking and cleaning at home when no one was around to stop her.
Perhaps it is a reflection on how the NHS has changed that this option was not available for you.
Much love and hugs
Lee
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