My mother brought all three of us up to never show emotion in public. I'm not sure why. Just as she brought us up never to argue. All three of us adhered to her rules. She was a good Mum and I would say 'a stoic'.
Emotions she used to say are for your own private viewing. I am not sure I agree and as I have aged it does become harder not to cry at the daftest things.
But I must say I don't like to see others showing tears in what I consider inappropriate moments. This can probably seem to be a fault on my part.
Funerals - there are still a lot of what is fast becoming 'old-fashioned' funerals - are a case in point. I didn't cry openly at the funerals of either of my two dearly loved husbands. Before and after in private I cried - of course I did - but in public I thought 'be strong, hold up for his sake'.
This brings me to a point about the TV Show 'The Repair Shop'. I love it. The way those incredibly clever men and women can work their skills on badly damaged articles and with the right tools and the right care bring them back from the brink is so very clever. But I find the reponse of the owners when they return to collect their treasures very hard to stomach. It almost makes me want to not watch the programme,
Some folk bring in a very badly damaged - and neglected - item, come to collect it after the team have worked on it and then burst into tears at the sight of the object looking how it used to look. I always wonder why they haven't kept it in good condition if they loved the owner that much.
I am very much afraid I belong to the stiff upper lip brigade - although when I see scenes of poverty, deprivation or downright cruelty on TV News programmes I find it very hard to contain myself. For if there was one place where there is so much to cry about it is undoubtedly here on the only earth we know.
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32 comments:
I was brought up like you Pat,
But almost I knew it wasn’t for me.
When I was 18 at my grandfathers funeral my uncles wife had been left alone at the graveside. She was crying and alone and I knew all she needed was an arm around her shoulders, something I did instinctively
Ps I cry buckets at The Repair shop too lol
I was brought up like you also. I did not cry at my Mom or my Dads funerals, just got on with it as I was taught. My husband didn’t want a funeral so I cried at home by myself. I cried every day for months and still have some tearful moments three years on. I find it easier to cry now, but still in private.
I wish I wasn't so emotional but keeping tears in would be impossible for me. Emotions are not something you can turn on or off, they are just there. To be able to control emotions like an on/off switch seems psychopathic to me.
I couldn't agree more with your last sentence...
About emotions I guess I was brought up like you too, though nothing was ever deliberately "taught" to us (I am 48). I guess we did as we saw our parents do themselves.
Even today when tears well up I tend to hide them until I can control them. When things go "wrong" it feels like crying will swallow the energy I need for coping. Bizarre !
Maguy
I don't watch the repair shop for the very reason I got fed up with all the buckets of tears when the broken item was returned looking wonderful - every.single.time - very boring!
I find I cry more easily as I get older, and yes, at times during The Repair Shop and even sometimes when reading. None of my family showed much emotion in public either.
As an aside, does Jay Blades irritate anyone else? Puleeeze! He does nothing helpful! We still don't get recent series of Repair Shop so I live in hope he's not still on this show.
Hugs!
Oh, I so agree - I'm very much of the non-emotional in public brigade...indeed, I'd find it hard to show, even if I wanted to. It's not so much holding it in, as that I seem to acquire a very controlled exterior, particularly for things like funerals. Being controlled doesn't mean there isn't emotion underneath - look at my writing, some people would say - it just means we draw a sort of veil over it. Perhaps it gives us a greater sense of control over events that in truth we cannot influence?
I feel ashamed to admit that I find it difficult not to show emotion at times. Recently, when chatting about my recent visit to my sister and her family to a person that I don't know all that well, I found tears welling up. So very embarrassing.
I think I'm quite cynical about TV tears. Like you, I think that many items could have been better looked after if they meant that much, but people get caught up in the performance of the reveal, although it is very hard to find someone to repair many of the items. As far as personal crying goes, I don't cry often at all, but someone seeing me cry would not matter.
I am as Bike Shed but I am one to put an arm round someone crying at a funeral when in need. I cried watching the Voice Kids this week, especially the young girl singing and playing harp aged 13. I don't like the tears on Repair Shop so don't watch it anymore.
I've never been an emotional type of person and do wonder at times why people get so upset at funerals, espcially regarding old people's, did they assume that the person would live forever.
I also enjoyed the Voice Kids, there were some very talented children on their, especially the girl singing and playing the harp.
I was also brought up never to show emotion. Crying and exhibits of affection were not allowed. On the rare occasion, when I did cry, my mother claimed I was acting. She had no tolerance.
I don't think I cried at Paul's funeral, except for one moment when a sob broke out, it was the music. But as the coffin slipped away I put three roses, the ones you always see at the top of my blog on it. Tears can spring easily when alone though.
Interesting replies - perhaps today's children are brought up differently. There is so much horror in the world and we see it all - do we perhaps get a bit immune to suffering? I hope not but times being what they are I do wonder.
I've never shown much emotion. It's not, I think, anything to do with how I was brought up but just the way I am. I sometimes wish I could shed tears at appropriate times or, better still, roar with laughter when I ought to. I can get very angry though especially at injustice towards those with little power.
I don't know if it's the MS or my age, but I now cry at anything, could be good news or cruelty to others particularly children and animals. It upsets me to see or hear a baby or child crying even on the TV. I have become a standing joke to my family, with a smile on their faces they say "Mum/Grandma's off again". Didn't use to be like that, but hey ho, that's who I am now.
At my father's funeral as we gathered together before the service my emotions overtook me for a few moments, and after my mother's funeral the same thing happened after the service. I had no say in the matter. At my husband's funeral I had done all my weeping before hand.
I think perhaps that the owners of those precious family pieces, repaired by the wonderfully skilled craftsmen and women in the Repair Shop, weep with possible guilt at having allowed their treasures to deteriorate so badly.
I too keep my tears to myself and always have. At my son's funeral, I worked hard to be sure everyone else was okay. Same when my parents passed.When I saw my sons off for military deployments, the tears were saved for later. passed. These days, though, I am often surprised by tears. Perhaps now that I am not so busy I am more easily touched. I don't know if that's why, but best reason I can come up with.
Simone's comment was interesting, about emotions are not something you can turn on and off.
It is true, as she says, that they are just there.
Suppression is another thing.
At my daughters farewell party to see her off to live in Germany to start a new life with her partner, it was a happy occasion but all I wanted to do was cry. The suppression of that emotion was very much likened by me at the time, to a coffee plunger forcing down the depth of my grief.
When she was gone, private grief came in tidal waves, often in public places at unlikely times and I had no control over tears. I was bought up like you Pat, and many others here, and am touched by Granny Sue's post. That must have been so hard. - Pam, Aust.
I’m not sure how being brought up to keep emotions in check works. Are people to be scolded for showing inappropriate emotion? Is being stoical the goal? And why? Is it more about public appearances and what other people think than grief itself?
Emotions are messy and not always under ‘control’ nor should they be in my opinion. Interestingly, some commenters here have said they cry more easily as they become older, why is that I wonder. It seems to me healthier than the alternative stiff upper lip.
In the wake of natural disasters we see people weep for loss of lives, should they be criticised for showing emotions in public?
Not a black and white area and not an area to be prescriptive.
I used to cry at the drop of a hat and it got to be so embarrassing! Then, when I really started having horrible anxiety attacks and crying even more then usual over ridiculous things, I was put on Lexapro for the anxiety and that stopped the crying, however, I can cry when it is appropriate and not over sappy Hallmark commercials! Now someone can cry and I don't feel the need to join in!
I don't cry often. I might get tears when something touches me but I rarely actually sob or really bawl. It's rare for me.
Fortunately our children have been brought up differently, with the freedom and sense to express emotion.
I think my parents were brought up by those who often did not express much emotion (although I was told that my maternal grandma was 'the life of the party'). My own parents weren't totally withholding--father had a wry sense of humor; my mother was easily upset/angered. I find that I have become more outwardly emotional with age. However, when I see real people (not actors) on television become emotional it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable.
I am a "sniffler". Emotions come from inside and the tears flow. I accept this part of me. I sniffler at weddings, graduations, funerals...the works. So each to his own.
I am usually quite emotional, but last year when my dearest friend Sue died I didn't shed any tears. Quite recently her daughter visited here from S Africa and she was quite naturally openly tearful, but again I didn't cry. Maybe one day it will all come out.
Music can easily move me to tears. Also, I don't think one needs to be "strong" at a funeral - for heaven's sake, someone we love is gone, and of course we are sad - no matter how old the person was. Yes, the death of a child or a very sudden death affects us more than when someone like my Dad dies after a long illness and at a certain age (like Derek put it, did they assume the person would live forever? No, of course not!). But even when someone's death was expected and may even have come as a relief, the fact that someone we have known and loved is no longer with us is certainly a reason for crying. Having said that, I did not shed one single tear at my husband's funeral service here in Germany, but I wept buckets at the one we had two weeks later in England, with his friends and family around me.
Like a lot of the others, I am moved to tears (usually not all the way) when I see someone doing something very well - in particular children playing classical music. Someone said to me when my mother died that I did not seem very affected by it. What a stupid thing to say.
What an interesting set of replies - thank you - a lot of food for thought here about how different we all are from one another.
I am 85 and soft hearted, I cry happy tears and do not try and hide the emotion. I wonder what happens to all of those suppressed feelings when they are not exposed by the shedding of a few sweet tears.
I wonder if they want people to be emotional. I would never get on the show in that case.
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