Thursday, 9 October 2008

National Poetry Day

Today is National Poetry Day. I tried to get on to the website to read about it but I keep getting an indication that the site is too busy. I hope this is a sign that the nation is reading poetry!
Then I went to Loren's site (see my blog list - In a Dark time the Eye begins to see) where he has posted, today, a really beautiful poem about a dream. It will stay with me all day.
I have been trying for the last few months to write a poem about a dream I often have. It is not an unpleasant dream - in fact I quite enjoy it at first. But then suddenly I realise I am getting no nearer to where I want to go and then it gets disturbing. Don't know much about dream interpretation (don't really want to know) but I have tried to write it down, with little success.
However - as today is National Poetry Day - I am giving you it to read. What I would like is that those of you who read it will PLEASE criticise it (constructively!) and say where it falls down. That kind of criticism is the only way to get an improved version - so please - feel free to take it apart and tell me about it.
A Recurring Dream.

The road was long, and I
would follow it, and see
familiar faces with no name.
And sometimes there would be
a house I'd known in years gone by.
Tall trees would shimmer in the haze
and sparkling water shine,
and, as I walked, the road became
another road of mine
I'd known from childhood days.
I'd walk until it came to me
with chilling certainty -
I walked this rambling road alone
and it would never lead me home.

23 comments:

Arija said...

I love it, it's just the last two lines that break the continuity.
Try something like I walk or Í'll walk this road alone towards an unknown end.
Just play around with the same rhythm or let the axe fall with a total and unexpected contrast.

The Weaver of Grass said...

Thanks for that Arija. I shall bear it in mind until I get a few more criticisms in - then shall have a go at revising it. I think the idea of a total unexpected contrast is a very good one. Thanks again.

Arija said...

If you take the trouble to scroll down my blog to 'Beingthere, Part2'
you can see the old lady the way she is now, just a little more rotund!

dick said...

Atmospherically, this works really well, evoking the other-worldly nature of the dreamscape. Technically, I have one or two quibbles. The title is maybe a little too literal, too confining. Might simply 'Dream' be more effective? Then '...familiar faces with no nameS'? And I'm a little thrown by the irregularity of the rhyme scheme. Hope that doesn't all sound too picky.

Tina said...

I really enjoyed reading the poem, and like arija recommended, I think a stark contrast in the last 2 lines is a great idea. Also, I noticed that you tried to look at National Poetry Day on the web but got a busy signal...
Try this website:
http://www.petermanseye.com/anthologies/why-i-like/313-people-s-poets

It's a post on the day and it has some beautiful poetry throughout. I enjoyed reading it.

Best of luck with your writing. Cheers!

The Weaver of Grass said...

Thanks Dick for the comments. I agree about the title. Re the rhyming scheme - I am trying to write in rhyme for the first time and am finding it all too easy to sound contrived. You may well be right about it. I shall keep your comments and when I have everybody's I shall revise the poem and reblog it.

The Weaver of Grass said...

Thanks for the link Tina. Tried to get on to your blog but couldn't do so. Shall bear your comments in mind in the final revision.

John Theberge said...

Thanks for visiting my blog, I'm glad you enjoyed it. I'm not much of a writer, I prefer to let my photos speak for me.

The Weaver of Grass said...

What is wrong with being a little more rotund, Arija. Have scrolled down and seen the ovely picture - what a lovely couple.

Rachel Fox said...

I think the sparkling, shining, shimmering section is the bit that loses the reader a bit (well, me anyway). What other words could you use there? How could you bring that descriptive bit to life or make it more original or specific?
x

The Weaver of Grass said...

Thanks Rachel. This has been such an interesting exercise. I am noting all the comments and over the weekend shall look at them and try to revise the poem. Then I shall put it on my blog in its revised form.

Reader Wil said...

I enjoyed reading your poem because it's good simple language and for somebody who speaks English as a second language it sounds good. I think Arija can give you better advice. But I love it.

Pamela Terry and Edward said...

I love this. Perhaps it means that this world is not your real home, no matter how many roads you travel.

The Weaver of Grass said...

Thanks to everyone on this site - I shall now spend the weekend thinking (on and off!) about it and then revise it on Monday and publish the result. I must say to you all that your comments have been much appreciated (much better
feedback than my poetry class used to be!)

Kyfarmlife said...

Hi there! Found you after you found my friend Goings on at the mad bush farm....and like you I'm a fellow farmers wife! i live in the states and hope to get to know you and see how life is there in your corner of the world! Hope you'll visit my blog, I've SO much enjoyed reading yours tonight! Very cool!

HelenMH said...

I think this is great an captures the feeling of that sort of dream well. The only thing that occured to me is whether it would be worth trying it in the present sense to see if that gives it even more impact.

Poet in Residence said...

That's a lovely poem. Sadly it reminds me of an old lady I met on a road, she must have been 80+, she asked me the way, said she was looking for her mother's house

Annie Wicking said...

I enjoyed the picture in my mind's eye your words summed for me.

I don't know a lot about poetry but I do know what I enjoy and I enjoyed your poem.

Best wishes,
Annie

The Weaver of Grass said...

Thanks Helen - I shall try that too.

Mad Bush Farm Crew said...

Hi there from New Zealand. thanks for visiting my blog. Love the poem you're very talented! Hope things are going well for you farming wise as well.

Liz

Crafty Green Poet said...

I enjoyed reading this, the rhythm and the atmosphere and yes the rhyme scheme too. I think that the comments about nameS and also about the shimmering and sparkling are comments worth thinking about.

Dave King said...

Very impressive. The meter works well and I like the use you make of rhyme. One quibble: I think it might flow better if you weote:
another road of mine,
one I had known from childhood days.
My main comen, though, concerns the last two lines: I am not sure of the tense intended. Do you mean that you had walked this road before (repeatedly?)and knew it would never lead to home? Or that you walked it the once and somehow knew it would not take you home? Ov erall, though, a really reat poem.

The Weaver of Grass said...

Thanks so much Dave. This has been such an interesting exercise - I am taking your comments on board - have started revising but finding it very hard! I think I get an idea in my mind and it is hard to change it - but shall continue to try.