Monday, 27 March 2017

Beautiful weather.

Why is it so much harder to bear sadness when the weather is beautiful, the Spring flowers are all in bloom and the sun is shining?   When I drove into town this morning and went into the Car Park the rooks were building and making a terrible noise (and a similar mess, dropping twigs left, right and centre, which I presume they suddenly considered unsuitable for their nests).

I have Sciatica and can only hobble about.   My Physiotherapist says this is because I am not allowing myself to really grieve and am therefore tense.   How can I grieve for the Farmer, who suffered so much over the last two weeks and then fell asleep gently and is now at peace?  Sadness and relief for his sake are my two overriding feelings.

My Physio also says that writing every day is a good way of helping myself, so I am blogging again - not sure whether that will be every day or not, we shall have to see.   But for now - thank you to you all; you have helped me along the way.
 

78 comments:

Gwil W said...


"We shall have to see"

That's like one day at a time as my old mum (97) just out of hospital for the umpteenth time always says.

Much love and good luck from here!

busybusybeejay said...

Firstly,I have to say how sad I am about your loss.When you have been together for so long life can never be the same again.We celebrated our Golden Wedding last December and I get quite emotional about birthdays etc.How many more will we have etc.You must have so many happy memories but your OH would want you to carry on and make a new life.Writing things down is very therapeutic so writing your blog is very important.Search out other blogs.It passes time reading them.It gives a glimpse of life in other countries,cultures etc.
I really hope you will blog every day and tell us how you are.I shall endeavour to reply each day.
onwards and upwards - that is what your OH would have wanted you to do.Much love Barbarax
have a peek at my blog- craft orientated!

dixie heath said...

Grief is handled in different ways. I lost my daughter 7 yrs ago and some days I still cry but I know she is well and happy where she is. Give yourself time and do what makes you feel better. Writing is good therapy. Prayers for comfort and peace for you Pat. Our spring has sprung as we say here in Ohio and the trees are starting to bloom and daffodils are blooming. I have a clematis bush that is above the ground now and will bloom in late May. The sun is shining today but we are expecting rain. I guess the April showers are coming early. Wishing you good thoughts and peaceful feelings my friend. Hugs from this Ohio girl.

Grandmother said...

I liked hearing about the rooks. I am in Canada and we are waiting for the final patches of snow to clear and the ground to dry.
The geese that migrated to warmer weather for the winter have started coming back which is a good signI I am glad you will blog when you choose, I always enjoy reading your words. I think everyone who has had a loved one die moves through the ensuing days in different ways. I think the best advice is to be kind to yourself. To follow your own instincts. To do what helps you on any given day, whether it be gardening, meeting a friend, reading, writing. I hope the sciatica improves.

jinxxxygirl said...

My husband is much older than i'am... (10) and when we first got together 30 years ago it did not seem to be so very much.. But he is almost 60 now and i can see it and there are days it makes me sad to see how fast the time flies by..... I think you are doing what you can... everyone handles grief differently as they say.... I would love to come on here and read a note from you every day....You still have the rest of your life to live Pat and i think the Farmer would want you to make it wonderful....... Hugs! deb

justjill said...

You are such an amazing person dear Weaver, no wonder the Farmer chose you. Best wishes to you at this sad time.

donna baker said...

Glad your day is beautiful. It helps. One day at a time was never clearer until my husband got sick. And so too with grief. I am sorry about the sciatica as that is so painful, but it too will pass, for a while. Mine finally resolved after 4years but hopefully yours won't linger as long. Love you Pat.

Rachel said...

The sunshine makes it feel unfair doesn't it. Have a good cry at the steering wheel or in the kitchen, then do the next job that comes along. Good to see you blogging again, and visiting. x

angryparsnip said...

I so agree with what Rachel just said. I cry in the shower a lot.
Just enjoy the day a moment at a time.

cheers, parsnip and thehamish

Terra Hangen said...

I admire you for posting here and hope the sciatica clears up fast so you can get out and about more easily. Two things that are helping me are writing in a journal every day and walking my dog two times a day. I adopted him 2 weeks after the death of my husband, and enjoy my dog's happy energy.

Librarian said...

There is no "one size fits all" when it comes to losing a beloved person. Relief at how The Farmer died, without having to endure prolonged suffering, is very understandable, as is sadness. You are old enough to have experienced grief many times, at varying degrees I suppose, and you'll know it is never exactly the same, and does not necessarily make a difference whether the person's death was something you saw coming or completely out of the blue.
I think your physio's advice is good, though; writing can help. It definitely did that for me after the sudden death of my husband in 2009.

crafty cat corner said...

Sadly life is not forever, we all know that, and yet when the end comes we still cannot believe it. I feel for you so much. Tom and I are nearing the end of our lives and each Spring we wonder if we will see another.
Your Sciatica will heal and writing the blog when you feel like it is good.
I know that your farmer would want you to carry on and not be unhappy and it is difficult not to grieve, but remember how he would like to see you smiling and happy.
Warm hugs
Briony
x

littlemancat said...

Sorry to hear about the sciatica - that is such a painful condition. Hope both physical therapy and writing "therapy" help you along the way. I echo all the other well wishers - some wise words, doubtlessly hard won. You are cherished and your lovely writing means a lot to us.
Take care, thinking of you here in Pennsylvania -
Mary

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

I have journaled when very hard times have come my way. It helped me greatly. I never looked back at them, though, and when I found them recently, I quickly threw them away. I do hope your blog writing or journaling will give you comfort.

Yael said...

I hope you will write often, you are an ispiration for a lot of us .Take care.

Mac n' Janet said...

Do whatever helps you get through it and know we think of you and wish you the best.

SandyExpat said...

Your writing of daily life is what brings me to your blog. Sorry that you are suffering with sciatica and I hope it goes away as quickly as it came. You clearly are a stubborn/strong women and will endure the sad loss of the dear Farmer. I will continue to pray for continued strength as you grieve his loss.

How is your little dog?

Sandy

Simon Douglas Thompson said...

Ouch with that back pain, especially when there must be so much to do as well

Heather said...

I do hope you will find some relief from the sciatica - you can certainly do without that just now. It is good that you get out and about but I can understand the intensified feeling of loss and sadness when the countryside is looking so lovely at present.xx

Gardener Fisher said...

No one understands grief because it is personal to you. What makes you cry might make some one else laugh and vice versa. I found that when my father died and when my son was diagnosed as autistic, you just have to deal with it. Some friends understand, others blunder. All my sympathy but I cannot offer anything else because I might make things worse not better.

Seasidelife said...

Sending you warm wishes from Lincolnshire. Please be kind to yourself and we will wait patiently for you to blog when you are able.

Jul said...

I have never met you and it is unlikely I will, but I admire you immensely. Your strength and grace are admirable. Our world needs more women like you :)
Would that we could carry some of your grief and lighten your load.
All the best.

Countryside Tales said...

Good to see you here, Weaver. Be gentle with yourself. Grieving is a long old process x

coffeeontheporchwithme said...

As many others have already said, there is no "proper" way to grieve, nor is there a determined amount of time it takes to go through all the stages of grief. No doubt you already went through some when you first discovered the Farmer's illness.
Write when you wish, when it makes you feel good. I'm sorry to hear you are suffering with sciatica - a nasty pain (in the behind, and the leg!). Take care - Jenn

the veg artist said...

Ah, the British Stiff Upper Lip - sometimes does more harm than good. I completely understand you feeling sad, and relieved that his suffering is over, but grieving for him and also for yourself is allowed, you know. It took me 50 years to cry for the orphaned child I was. I used to tell myself that my parents hadn't wanted to leave me, that they couldn't help it. That was true, but I didn't acknowledge that I was sad for myself too.
However, nothing can be rushed, and you have many good friends who knew you both, and, of course, you have us out here in the ether. We will always listen.

Penny said...

I am so glad you have a sensible physio,
I love your writing, be it daily or whenever. Grieving is done in many ways and you will never really stop missing your farmer but time does heal, it well, does take time. Thinking of you.

Fairtrader said...

In my daily life as minister I am privileged to meet many people in both happiness and grief. You put it so nicely and natural, the way you often do. Life within us is very strong and we have been given the capacity to, as one of your friends here say;deal with it. So I am pleased to read that the sunlight and the emerging springtime has an impact on you. Your loss is still valid and deep, but there is comfort and strenght in your outlook on the world. It's a gift with you, that is. I hope the pain will go away eventually, both kinds, I mean.
Write to us when you feel up to it, rest when you need. Blessings to you, Pat!

Simone said...

Look after yourself. x

Elise Griffith said...

Loss does feel more keen on a bright, sunny day when the world goes on. There is no right or wrong way. There's just the way you find yourself in and that varies from morning to night sometimes. Many here and in your village understand. Many hold you in their thoughts and prayers. I believe our bodies can feel what we're not yet ready to process; I echo hopes of others that your pain will ease. Rest is healing for body & soul. Regular, light meals, rest and the warmth of caring that surrounds you... all help. Don't be afraid to ask for what you need. It can take more strength to do so than to soldier on alone. Because you're not alone. Not completely.

John Gray said...

I know you are not in the right place at the moment but nice to have you back

Hilary said...

Six years ago, I fell and hit my head, resulting in three surgeries, a brain decompression and cervical fusion....changed my life in many ways. Blogging was an enormous help..........
We're all here......whenever you want to chat. Thinking of you, glad that you can see the positive side of this, that the farmer is no longer suffering.

Gail, northern California said...

Writing is very therapeutic and I would encourage you to write each day. Try to put into words what you're feeling, it provides a release of emotions. My husband of 43 years died four years ago. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him. I will miss him 'til the end of time. Contact with family and friends have helped me keep my sanity. Reach out to them.

Wilma said...

I hope that you get as much from writing your blog as your readers do from reading it. Wishing you a peaceful heart.

Camille said...

Such a difficult time for you Weave, reading between the lines your pain is palpable and it makes my heart ache. So many of us all over the world have followed you for years, care so much for your well being, and are here for you still. X

Helsie said...

I am a great believer in writing things down and getting them off your chest. Be it on a blog or a diary or just a letter to yourself. It clears your mind and helps with those thoughts that just will not let you sleep for all their churning.
Thinking of you.

The Furry Gnome said...

I have enjoyed reading your blog for several months now, and was so shocked to hear. I hope you find that the writing helps. Continung my blog afte our son died certainly helped me.

Karen Reittinger said...

Thinking of you.

krishna said...

I can understand, that is very sad.. it is much more difficult overcome the loss than we think.. if I were near you, I would have given you tight hug every moment to help you overcome your sadness... A big bear hug.. XO

Derek Faulkner said...

It's all you can do Pat, is to go out into the garden, feel the sun on your face, take a deep breath and allow the Spring to walk you forward again. Gradually the light at the end of the tunnel will become brighter and closer.

1st Man said...

As others have said, we are all here for you. You write what you need to, don't worry about censoring yourself, let the words spill out onto the screen and it will help you and we'll be here to support you. Much love and hugs to you.

Virginia said...

It's early days, Pat, don't be hard on yourself. I found grief an unpredictably thing - I'd be fine for days, then SLAM, driving along a road minding my own business and it would knock me sideways, so dear Weaver, it's something you must let yourself live with. Sciatica is also a demon I know - have you tried changing your chair height, putting a cushion in the driver's seat if it doesn't adjust enough? I found that helped - and getting up and stretching every ad break on TV. Those thing helped me.... worth a try, perhaps.

Rozzie said...

Oh my dear Weaver. I know what you mean about the weather being "wrong". (Not that I'm presuming for a second to know how you feel!) I just remember the weather being perfect after my mother died, and I couldn't help but think it should be rainy and miserable.

Please take care of yourself, and if you feel like spending a day at home just doing nothing except maybe some gentle exercises and looking through some old photos of you and the Farmer, do so.

thelma said...

It is so good to see you back, sadness will be part of your life for a long time yet, and yet the living breathing world will heal you eventually. Just write whenever you feel like it, you have an enormous support team in blogging land.
Take care and grumble at those untidy rooks, life is also untidy, but I think you are a very positive person and that counts for a lot. xxx

libby said...

Hobbling or not you are putting one foot in front of the other and taking one day at a time, which is a way forward of sorts and it is good to read your words again.

Frances said...

Lovely to have you back Pat. X

Bovey Belle said...

As someone said, don't be too hard on yourself Pat. When my mum died, after a long illness, I only felt a sense of relief that she was suffering no more. Grief hits in different ways. It is there and just because you aren't crying your eyes out non-stop doesn't lessen what you feel inside.

I hope that springtime and sunshine help you through this difficult time and help you move on.

It is good to hear that writing helps your mind, and I wonder if a visit to the Chiropractor might not help your Sciatica? I know that my Chiropractor successfully treats people with it.

galant said...

Oh my dear, I had no idea ... I've not looked in for a couple of weeks and now you tell me your dear Farmer has passed away. Please accept my condolences. We don't know each other, but I love reading your blog posts, and I am so very, very sorry for your loss.
Margaret P

gz said...

Your physio is right, mental tension can show itself physically. I lost my Mountain Man six years ago, on a beautiful day too. My doctor prescribed talking to his friends to help them (and so myself). I walked our mountain day after day and gradually eased the mental and physical aches.
You must have so many happy and good times to remember, but it will take time.
Take care xx

Jenny said...

Spring is a bitter sweet time to say goodbye, so much to look forward to yet so much looking back, it's hard to handle. I'm glad you are blogging and sharing with us, I do hope it helps you cope with your grief and though we cannot support you in person we are all willing you on. Take your time and take it easy.

Yorkshire Pudding said...

I have been down in London for a few days so I have only just caught up with your sad news. To tell you the truth I am rather shocked that the end came so swiftly. It only seems a moment ago that they diagnosed an inoperable tumour. I imagined that the farmer had months to live, feeding the garden birds, taking Tess out for walks, enjoying his country life with his lovely Lincolnshire wife. Far be it from me to offer any words of wisdom to help you to cope in this time of grief. You are wise enough yourself and you will find your own way forward. I hope that the funeral, whenever that might be, allows the farmer a fond farewell, marking his life, knowing that he was respected and loved. Perhaps this will provide you with some solace. As you know, Yorkshiremen ain't too good at hugging but in spite of that I am sending a big one your way... xxx.

Sue in Suffolk said...

A day at a time is the only thing to do and keeping busy.
Much love from Suffolk as always

Elizabeth said...

So glad you are writing through grief. V. Woolf said ‘writing out misery’.
Not a bit surprised you have sciatica and I think your physio is right. Still a horrid physical manifestation of things being out of whack.
Everyone has said all the sorts of things I would like to say.
Yorkshire Pudding seems especially apt.
I’m so happy to see that your thoughtful posts have garnered you a bevy of internet friends to add to your real world ones.
You have also allowed others to talk about their own sadnesses.
However, I do feel horribly sad for you.
Hugs.

Sue said...

I know exactly what you mean.

My beloved Dad died five years ago on 26th March, the sun was shining everywhere I went, shopping, helping to make arrangements, all those hundred and one errands that take up the time after so hard a loss, and everyone was in t shirts and shorts, smiling and laughing through their tasks while in my heart it was deepest, darkest coldest mid-winter. I felt like a sleepwalking alien wandering through my days.

A side effect for me was that my blood pressure shot up to alarmingly high figures and stayed there for months afterwards. Please take care of your own health at this heart wrenchingly sad time, the Farmer would be dismayed if you forgot to do so.

Linda Metcalf said...

So good to see you writing...be at peace. Know that everyone is lifting you up in our hearts and thoughts.

Minigranny said...

So lovely to see you back - at least for today. I agree with Yorkshire Puddings' sentiments about your wisdom seeing you through this time. Take care and I hope that Sciatica clears up quickly! Sheila x

Sue said...

Good to see you back here Weaver. Pas à pas, step by step.

The Broad said...

I think about you every day and was glad to see your post come up. Just one day at a time for now -- sometimes hour by hour. And sometimes the thought that 'this too shall pass', is not a comfort but somehow a threat. But you are strong and wise and deserving of much love and comfort that is yours...

GillyK said...

Good to hear from you Pat. Use your blog to try and relieve some of the tension. I know words are very important to you so this is a good way to express your grief. Lots of love.
Gilly

Morning's Minion said...

I am reminded of a beautiful February day 30 years ago when we had word that a schoolmate of my children had been killed in a senseless incident of reckless driving. A boy we knew, dead at 17, and suddenly the winter sunshine on clean white snow, the blue sky, were a brazen insult to heartbreak.
In looking over your posts of the past weeks it seems that there was not a great length of time between the onset of distress for your Farmer and the shattering diagnosis.
We want our dear ones 'back'--not damaged by pain or age, but as they were a short time ago.
It seems very true that the body expresses the grief and stress that our minds may shy away from for a time.
I hope that you are surrounded with kindness as you make your way toward a new normality.

Mary said...

I'm thrilled you are here and hoping to keep in touch with us all whenever you feel up to it dear Pat. Just look at how many people care about you, the same ones who always loved hearing of life with the Farmer. I really think he would be happy knowing you are keeping on with your always delightful posts on the blog, and I think it will help you through the natural grief period which you need to go through. You enjoy writing I know, and we enjoy reading what you have to say!

My thoughts continue to include you each day, and I wish you well.
Hugs - Mary

Iris said...

I second everything that Yorkshire Pudding just said. I just did not have the words to say it.

Hildred said...

Dear Pat be kind to yourself, and take care. We can be thankful for short sufferings when we lose our dearest ones, but the loss is still there, and the grief which we must acknowledge. You are often in my thoughts and I send you blessings and condolences.

michb said...

Love and prayers from another widow , wish i knew what to say ...but am thinking of you .

Gabrielle Howard Gengler said...

Weave, your in my thoughts and daily prayers. Grieving is such a personal trial. After my 30 yr old son died in 5/14. It was a dry, sad spell even with help from my psychiatrist and my psychologist. I have loving friends but I had to endure it. I'm glad you're writing again when you feel inclined to do. Hugs

Stephanie Jo said...

It seems a conundrum but the lovely days of sunshine do seem especially sad when we are feeling deep loss. Perhaps they remind us of happier times that will never quite come around again. I’m hoping you will find peace and strength each day.

Viola Briles said...

Sometimes it takes a village to grieve properly, too. Hugs.

Theresa Young said...

Hugs to you and take care.

Terry and Linda said...

Like Viola Briles says....sometimes it takes a village to grieve properly! We all love you!

Hugs!

Terry and Linda said...

When Daddy died Momma had a terrible horrible time. She finally went to a grief counselor who recommended she write letters to Daddy. I have those letters. They are sometimes sad and full of tears and sometimes so happy I can feel the joy she felt that day. Maybe writing a letter to the Farmer might help you.

Love you!

stuart dunlop said...

Thinking of you, Pat. Use whatever resources are available to you.

Cherie K said...

Pat love, my heart aches for you. I hope you are taking care of yourself. xxx

Wykeham Observer said...

I just happened upon this blog, and am moved by its beauty. While we can be thankful our loved ones who've left us are no longer suffering, it doesn't really make it any easier, and we still love and miss them. It seems your experience was similar to my mom's when Dad died after a long illness. It was then that she noticed back and neck problems and pain, which were probably masked all along by all the daily busyness and intensive care that she gave Dad. I just hope you take good care of yourself, which I'm sure you will, as you seem very resilient. Great blog! Seriously! Phil/Minnesota

Michaela said...

I am so thankful you are continuing to write and share. My heart is with you!

Frances said...

Thank you, dear Weaver, for writing and letting us in to the place which you are now experiencing. xo

Fat Dormouse said...

May God hold you in the palm of his hand. Be kind to yourself.

almyaa almyaa said...


احصل على افضل الخدمات من خلال مركز صيانة يونيفرسال الوكيل المعتمد فى مصر مع توافر كافة قطع الغيار الاصلية باقل الاسعار فقط من خلال زيارة اى من فروع مركز يونيفرسال فى كافة محافظات مصر

Abraj Dubai said...

الان من خلال شركة ابراج دبي اكبر شركة تنظيف فلل بالدمام تستطيع ان تحصل علي افضل تنظيف بأفضل الات التنظيف واحدثها وفياسرع وقت ممكن علي اعلي مستوي من خلال عمال التنظيف لدينا فقط.

3nod Makka said...

افضل خدمات شركة العنود المتخصصة في تنظيف سجاد بالبخار بمكة علي اعلي مستوي من خلالنا فقط حيث لدينا افضل عمال تنظيف في اكبر شركة تنظيف موكيت بمكة علي اعلي مستوي من خلالنا فقط.