Thursday, 4 June 2009

The finished poem.

A few days ago I put a poem on my blog and asked for criticism. Thank you to everyone who contributed - it was all so helpful. Even if I didn't always take your advice I did think about it and look at the poem through your eyes for a while. Particular thanks to Poet in Residence, who suggested the spreading out of the first part to suggest the bubble floating - I took that advice; I also took his advice to dispense with the title and use the first line as a title; thanks also to Dominic for telling me (as he always does) to dispense with some of the adjectives. Here is the final version:-

A BUBBLE OF HISTORY

floats without meaning or desire
like a puff of breath

triggered by some sound


or smell


or trick of emotional alchemy.


I am three again.
The Hindenberg fills the sky.
I hear
its low hum
and I am scared.

I hate to go backwards.


A bird sings.
The bubble bursts.
Green hills touch the clouds.

A drop of rain falls on my hand.

24 comments:

Elizabeth said...

This is wonderful.
Shows what a little tweaking here and there can do to sharpen the impact.

Raph G. Neckmann said...

Brilliant, Weaver! It's very powerful and emotive - I thought it was in the first version, but this has even more impact.

jinksy said...

This is like a sauce that has been left to simmer, so that the resulting reduction has condensed to a more potent flavour! Well done you.

Heather said...

How much can be conveyed with so few words, when they are the right words. I couldn't see anything wrong with the earlier version, but I can see that this is even better.

Woman in a Window said...

I hadn't seen all the room for improvement but I have to say, I am in love with this edited version. Wonderful, freaken wonderful. It speaks so much stronger.

Jenn Jilks said...

Nicely done! Now, will you send it off to a poetry contest?!

Rachel Fox said...

I liked the first one!
But you can never please everyone...
x

willow said...

I like this one very much, Weaver! That last line is especially marvelous.

Leenie said...

I saw the bubble and smelled the memory!

Hildred and Charles said...

Weaver, I wish I could comment with any authority, but I find your poem very touching.

Robyn said...

I'm impressed, Weaver! My kind of poetry.

Cloudia said...

"A bird sings.
The bubble bursts.
Green hills touch the clouds.

A drop of rain falls on my hand."

Self-evident and perfect in the inevitability of true Poetry.
Well done. Most Pleasurable to imbibe!
Aloha

Poet in Residence said...

It has, like breakfast porridge, benefited from a simmer and a stir.

acornmoon said...

This is a great poem, it captures perfectly how a sensation or smell can bring to mind a memory.

I have been thinking about your last post and how very brave your parents must have been to have a dear one in so much danger.

We all know how very brave our service men and women were but so too were the loved ones left at home, it is hard to imagine how they coped.

Derrick said...

Hello Weaver,

Sharpened up and paired down! It's great.

Derrick said...

Of course, I meant 'pared' !!

Gramma Ann said...

I don't know much about writing poetry, but it sounds good to me, as did the first version.

The Weaver of Grass said...

Thanks for the encouragment. I think there is a find line between tweaking and over-tweaking - and it is very easy to cross that line.
Your comments always spur me on to do more.

mand said...

Yes, yes, yes. 80)

I would just take out the repeated 'I' from 'and I am scared' - giving:

I hear
its low hum
and am scared.

But if you prefer the rhythm with it, leave it there. ;0)

Janice Thomson said...

Absolutely beautiful Weaver. Your poetry is always chalk full of imagery and poignancy.

Nick (CFKS) said...

:)

Bdogs said...

Lovely. Moving and mysterious.

Tammie Lee said...

I never saw the first draft,
this poem is wonderful! Full of the past and the present and unique expression.

Pamela Terry and Edward said...

I do so look forward to your poetry.